WASHINGTON — Ian MacKaye was recently spotted scrambling down a block, knocking over multiple children and old people who were in his path, in a harried effort to report to any documentarian available that he just remembered something else from the ‘80s, the source himself confirmed, repeatedly.
“I had just dropped into the old ice cream shop where I used to work to grab a scoop when all of a sudden I remembered this amazing anecdote that I hadn’t already told, like, six different well-known documentaries,” gasped MacKaye, still out of breath and spattered with old man blood. “Get this: I once shared a tuna melt with Joey Splatter of The Splatter Bunch — and the bread was a little dry! That’s something people will definitely want to hear about. I mean, we weren’t trying to start a movement with this bread. Now which camera am I supposed to be looking into?”
Sixty-seven-year-old ‘80s hardcore fan Russell “Really Really Rusty” Rusendorf was ecstatic about the recent revelation from MacKaye.
“Oh my golly, a new tale! Why this could change the way we view the entire DC hardcore scene!” wheezed Rusendorf into his oxygen canister while still smoking a Parliament Light. “I thought I’d heard it all, probably five or nine times already. But to think that there’s something that Mr. MacKaye hasn’t said into a microphone yet — if I don’t hear that before I die, then I’ll just die. So be quick about the editing on that new documentary.”
Documentarian Lindsey Groves appeared less optimistic that this new anecdote would “change the perception of ‘80s hardcore from this day for all days to come.”
“Look, I hate to be the one to have to bring this up, but, has anyone considered that [MacKaye] may need to be entered into assisted living? Like, does he have grandchildren or any nieces or nephews under 50 that I should call?” remarked Groves. “I’m not trying to be rude, but I don’t think this guy has anything insightful left in the tank. After he told me about the sandwich we hung on the phone in silence for a minute before he just started listing off the various new Lego kits he wished he had when he was growing up. Yes, I know they used to just be blocks! What does that have to do with hardcore?”
At press time, MacKaye was seen rushing back to the treat shop where employees reported he had forgotten to actually take his ice cream.