GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local noise festival Thwack Fest announced it would be partnering with their sponsors Harbor Freight and Excedrin to give festivalgoers a weekend they wish they could forget, confirmed sources who could use a pain reliever now that you mention it.
“We couldn’t get Home Depot or Advil on such short notice, which was our first choice, but overall we are happy in the end,” said festival organizer Chase Bradshaw with his fingers in his ears to muffle the sounds of a performer using a buzzsaw over high-pitched electronic feedback. “Tylenol initially approached us about being a sponsor, but I’m sorry, we as the preeminent noise festival just will not stand for an inferior product that’s a placebo at best. Anyway, Excedrin was generous enough to provide us with free samples, which pairs well with the $11 bottles of Aquafina we will sell. Plus, there will be a booth where you can try out Harbor Freight tools to see if they will work as instruments in your noise band. And hey, if you do any construction work and have chronic back pain, even better. Most noise fans typically do.”
Fans in attendance couldn’t help but notice the sponsors.
“The enormous Monster Energy-like banners for Excedrin behind every band on stage and their mascot that was an anthropomorphic pill with the letter ‘E’ on it were a little excessive, but once you tuned it out it was a pretty sick show,” said festival attendee Clay Holmstead. “Either way, the live demonstrations of safe jackhammer and circular saw usage in between sets really added to the ambiance. Plus, I saved 20% on a cordless hedge trimmer. Sure, I don’t have a yard, but it’s really going to do wonders on the noise demo I’m working on.”
Experts were quick to note similar instances for outdoor concert series.
“Festivals are always looking for brands that target a specific fanbase to sponsor their events,” said music historian Sam Eldridge. “Shoegaze festivals are usually subsidized by Dyson, Eureka, and Hoover vacuum cleaner brands for their whirring sounds. Goth fests are typically sponsored by local funeral homes, headstone manufacturers, and exotic crow breeders. And nu metal events get funded by Coors Light, chain wallet brands, and bail bond agencies. See? Music festivals are a perfect way to advertise your product.”
At press time, noise fans at the festival once again mistook the sounds of a belt sander and leaf blower at the Harbor Freight booth for their favorite band.