BOSTON – Local bully Veronica Coughlin, who took immense joy in calling classmates homophobic slurs in high school, is reportedly so excited to see Chappell Roan in concert, confirmed sources who’d rather her not be there or anywhere in their general vicinity.
“I love Chappell Roan! I think we’d be such besties. We’d gossip about which guys we think are hot and we’d make fun of all the losers in the audience, and I’d like totally teach her how to find a makeup shade that matches her face better,” said Coughlin completely unaware of the drag origins in Chappell Roan’s different outfits. “I can’t wait to see her in concert and scream ‘Good Luck, Babe.’ It reminds me of my boyfriend, who I wish would say Chappell’s name corrrectly. It’s pronounced ‘Sha-pell,’ right?”
Others were not as thrilled about Coughlin’s attendance at the upcoming concert, such as Ash Robinson, who Coughlin bullied in high school.
“I can’t believe Veronica is going and I couldn’t even get tickets!” lamented Robinson after seeing “the bitches are seeing Chappell” on Coughlin’s Instagram story. “She used to call me a lesbo in high school, then she said she told me she could maybe kiss a girl, but definitely never date one – and now suddenly she’s Chappell’s biggest fan. Do you think she’s ever actually listened to any of the lyrics? Or has any queer friends? Or any friends for that matter?”
But it’s not just straight women who are newly excited to see Roan, such as Coughlin’s boyfriend Matt Roberts.
“Yeah, this will be a fun date night. I put on some special cologne for the occasion in case we hook up. Or if not her, some other hotties at the show. They all have dope carabiners,” explained Roberts. “Oh and before you go ‘don’t you have a girlfriend?’ it’s fine – Veronica and I are in an unethical non-monogamous relationship or whatever shit you call it. I’m gonna push to the front so Chappell sees me, but no, I definitely won’t do the ‘HOT TO GO’ dance. That’s gay.”
At press time, Coughlin was worried about girls potentially flirting with her at the concert despite none ever remotely doing so.