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Newly Uncovered Gregorian Chant from 1592 Somehow Co-Written by Jack Antonoff

OURAY, Col. — Researchers at the Ouray Audiology Research Facility were equally thrilled and confused that a recently discovered Gregorian chant from 1592 somehow has a co-writing credit by prolific writer and producer Jack Antonoff.

“We thought it was odd that they included credits at all, but we were even more shocked when we saw Jack’s name. We knew this guy had his fingers in a lot of pies, but we never could have guessed his involvement in the music scene nearly five centuries ago,” noted researcher Megan Gutterez, whose jaw dropped again after she finished calculating royalties Antonoff has collected from the track. “He co-wrote the track with a monk named Hubb and several ghosts of the 1592 London plague. Sounds like a pretty stacked room, to be honest.”

Researchers also found notes from the session, which were written on tattered cloth so thin it was practically melting, that contained several other surprising details.

“Love the way the track’s coming together, but a little worried about clearing the sample, which is, of course, just parts of another Gregorian chant,” reads the text of a diary entry assumed to be in Hubb’s surprisingly gorgeous handwriting. “Jack has been a great addition to the team, even though he mostly just stares at a glowing tablet all day. Regardless, I’m excited to finish up and get this one on Soundcloud — which is when we look up and yell our songs into the clouds.”

Antonoff, who was writing a new Taylor Swift track with one hand, producing a Carly Rae Jepsen single with the other, and putting the finishing touches on a new Springsteen collab via blinking somehow, admitted he was surprised that this early work resurfaced.

“Oh yeah, that was a fun day. Good snacks too, mostly just various bison parts and a weird wine that tasted like warm Capri Sun,” stated Antonoff, who finished producing an entire new Lana Del Ray album between the start and end of that sentence. “It was really an honor to win a Grammy for the track, which in those days just meant they gave me a gram of slate to help build my family a chapel.”

At press time, researchers at the nearby Colorado Center of Ornithology were scratching their heads over the discovery that Antonoff also played a substantial part in writing the species’ very first bird song.