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New Boyfriend Way Too Enthusiastic In Mosh Pit

OXNARD, Calif. — Local musician Nikki Godinez, 24, brought her date to his first hardcore show at all-ages music venue The Stench last night, where his misguided enthusiasm in the pit became a major cause for concern, according to multiple reports.

When local band Heller Keller began their set, Brian Park, the alleged date, rammed without warning into a group of kids in front of him in the hopes of asserting his dominance in order to impress Godinez, who in turn spent the night making excuses for Park’s pit antics.

“It wasn’t the kind of thing where he jumped at them and put his hands out to cushion the blow,” said local legend Walt Gorecki. “He totally head butted some kids until they bled. And he kept looking back at Nikki with this weird smile, like he was proud of fitting in. He was clearly trying to prove something. He kept screaming ‘TAKE THAT, FRIENDZONE,’ which I did not understand.”

Godinez agreed.

“He seemed fine until he tried to open up the pit,” she said, regrouping in the bathroom with a friend who requested anonymity. “Everyone knows me here and he just freaked out trying to prove he belonged. I don’t think I’m gonna see this dude anymore. He kept screaming at people to punch him and going ‘WHO’S THE BIG MAN NOW?’ I was so embarrassed.”

“I get it, Nikki’s great. But if she intimidates you, that’s your problem — don’t make it ours,” said Greg Shilton, bassist of Heller Keller. “Watching a grown man punch kids in the face… it was ugly. This was definitely his first time in a pit. I’m surprised nobody has kicked the shit out of him yet. The night is young, I suppose.”


Despite his best efforts, Park was unaware he fell short in his attempts to win over Godinez by assaulting bystanders.

“Did she see any of it? I mean, I was really fucking shit up. I totally won in there,” said Park, wiping the sweat from his brow. “But, for real, have you seen Nikki? She’s my ride home and I don’t really have the money for a Lyft.”

Godinez, for her part, treated the date as a learning experience. “I’m gonna take all my dates to The Stench from now on. It’s a good way to find out who I really, really don’t want to be with.”

Article by Hana Michels @hanamichels.