ARLINGTON, Va. – Girlfriends across the US recently announced their newfound enthusiasm for seeing a three-hour movie in theaters thanks to “Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour,” completely bewildered partners report.
“My girlfriend refused to see ‘Oppenheimer’ in IMAX because she ‘would need to take a bathroom break and miss too much,’ and she’s been adamant she wouldn’t make it through ‘Killers of the Flower Moon’ without falling asleep,” said exasperated boyfriend Luke Robinson. “But suddenly I have to camp outside the AMC so we can secure perfect seats for some massively long concert movie? She already went to the real show! Twice! And she filmed most of it on her phone. This is bringing her total Eras Tour spending to like, four grand.”
Kayleigh Bryant, a pediatric nurse, avid Swiftie, and Robinson’s partner, reasoned this is the only way Taylor Swift’s record-breaking tour can truly be experienced.
“If you watch the film at home or, God forbid, on a cellphone, you haven’t truly seen it and that’s a total shame. There’s simply no other way to capture the energy of this concert than by screaming along with 250 other 26-year-olds to the chagrin of everyone else in the vicinity,” said Bryant while frantically making several hundred friendship bracelets. “Luke is, to put it plainly, a simpleton with no respect for real art. Three hours is nothing if the content is as monumentally perfect as this concert. I’m fully willing to piss and shit myself in the theater so I don’t miss a single second.”
The National Girlfriend Caucus echoed these sentiments and posited that this is about more than just seeing a movie.
“It is more important than ever to support your local theaters so that we as a society do not lose these cultural hubs. A successful box office run for ‘The Eras Tour’ would be a win for independent film and encourage theaters to show more films like it,” said National Girlfriend Caucus spokeswoman Angelina Hardy. “Ultimately, the theatrical release model is the way that cinema is supposed to be seen and experienced. All unsupportive boyfriends will be receiving a stern letter and, if necessary, a court summons should they bitch and moan the entire time. That is a threat.”
At press time, Bryant was seen pressuring her boyfriend to dress as Travis Kelce for a couple’s Halloween costume.