MANCHESTER, England — Singer Morrissey’s so-called “evil” identical twin Montgomery is by all accounts a kind, well-liked bloke, according to jolly, red-faced sources at his local pub.
“I’m a simple family man living a quiet, contented life of service and gratitude,” said Montgomery while wrapping toys for an orphanage. “On a typical day I’ll put in my hours at the chip shop, then home for supper with the family. Some nights I pop over to the pub, have a pint or two with me mates. I don’t know why my twin has said such dreadful things about me. Sadly, he doesn’t seem to be a very happy man, despite the money and success. I’ve extended the olive branch in the past, but he wouldn’t come ‘round to mine ‘cos we cook meat in the house on occasion.”
Moz’ former bandmate Johnny Marr insists that Montgomery has been unfairly slandered by his famous twin.
“I’ve been great pals with Monty for ages now,” said Marr as he put the final stitches in what appeared to be a Morrissey voodoo doll. “He and I are in a darts league together. What a sweet fellow! Couldn’t be more different from that bell end Steven. Monty’s quite the poet, as well. In fact, his poems would often get much more acclaim than Steven’s in school. That’s probably where the seeds of this silly one-sided rivalry began. What’s more, Monty’s got a great set of pipes. The pub erupts in applause whenever he and I get up to do some old Smiths numbers.”
Cultural anthropologist Edgar Wickersham says that the “evil twin” cliche is often a mischaracterization made by an insecure, jealous family member.
“The phenomenon of a successful public figure casting aspersions at their twin is somewhat common,” said Wickersham. “Famous people are often quite competitive and will attempt to strike down anyone in their circle who appears to be doing well. Consider the case of Russell Brand’s allegedly ‘evil’ twin Gary, who is in fact a faithful, conscientious family man. Alex Jones’ twin Dwight is often maligned by the notorious conspiracy theorist, but Dwight Jones is a lawyer who does pro-bono work for the Innocence Project and fosters kittens.”
At press time, Morrissey had taken out a full-page ad in the Manchester Evening News decrying his “wicked and nefarious” twin after Montgomery was photographed volunteering at a soup kitchen over the holidays.