CINCINNATI — Metalhead Tim Grant took off his glasses, let down his ponytail, and shook his hair out, only to look slightly worse than before, witnesses report.
“I wanted to try something different by taking some tension off of my head and letting my plain self shine through,” Grant explained. “Once I saw the results, I realized that the ‘au naturel’ look might not be the one for me. Sure, my mane looks great when I’m headbanging, but in any other context I just look like a roadie. Maybe I could pull off a new look if I cut my hair and stopped wearing oversized Napalm Death tees, but at what cost? I’d rather be the me I’ve grown into naturally over the past 20 years.”
Grant’s longtime friend, Soren Dodson, has come out supporting his choice to maintain the status quo of his face.
“I love Tim. He’s a great guy, but his face needs all the help it can get,” Dodson claimed. “He’s really lucky to have 20/120 vision, since it makes it harder to notice his beady little teddy bear eyes. The ponytail is a stroke of genius, too; I’ve never met anyone with such greasy roots who also manages to have crispy, crunchy split ends, so the ponytail pulls everything out of view. It’s nice to have someone with Tim’s type of looks around, regardless. A face like that at a show reassures the pit is gonna be intense.”
News of Grant’s sudden ugliness uptick has stylist Julio San Martin concerned about the future of his industry.
“This could derail my whole business!” San Martin lamented. “Most of the makeover cases I get are solved by letting some hair down, swapping glasses for contacts, and cashing my check. If that can fall through, I’m going to have to completely revamp my skill set. I don’t want to take a client shopping, or figure out what palettes work for them, or — God forbid — awaken them to their own inner beauty. Some people aren’t meant for more than a basic look and, if they’re ugly enough to need it, I don’t want to find that out!”
At press time, Grant was seen signing up for a support group of male baristas, sound engineers, and sword enthusiasts relegated to permanent updos.