WINDSOR, Colo. — Online media magazine Loudwire anointed Cleveland’s Mushroomhead as the best nu-metal band named after the tip of a penis, sources report.
“We put a lot of thought into this,” said Loudwire writer Scott Connellson. “There are a lot of nu-metal bands out there, but when it comes to those that are named after cockhead, none of the others really comes close to Mushroomhead. Just look at their catalog. With songs like ‘Solitaire/Unraveling’ and ‘Sun Doesn’t Rise,’ how could anybody think that any other penis-tip nu-metal band comes close? Sure, there are bands like Limp Bizkit and Godhead, but we were specifically looking for bands named after the part of the penis where the hole is, and when it came to that, it was no contest.”
Band member Steve “Skinny” Felton was honored by Loudwire’s claim.
“I’ve dedicated my life to this band since we started in 1993, and it has all finally paid off,” Felton gushed. “You have to understand, we didn’t want to be just like every other nu-metal band. We wanted to be the first nu-metal band that people think of when the concept of a penis tip is mentioned. After all these decades of grinding it out to make a living from writing music and touring, we have something we can point to when people ask us if it was all worth it. Let this be a lesson to anyone who wants to start a nu-metal band named after a phallic tip. You can do anything you set your mind to, so don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.”
Roger “D.V.Ent” Warner of British nu-metal band Bellend was disappointed by the news.
“I really thought my band would make it to the top of this ranking,” Warner lamented. “I mean, I guess I can’t be too upset, though. Mushroomhead are the true progenitors of nu-metal bands named for the penile glans, so if we were going to lose to any band, it makes sense that it would be them. If I’m being completely honest, we never would have gotten into the penis-tip nu-metal game if it weren’t for them. I’d like to congratulate the guys in Mushroomhead and say that it’s an absolute honor to lose to them.”
At press time, Loudwire also ranked Mudvayne the best nu-metal band named after an anus.
