NEW YORK. – The Metal Injection offices recently installed a giant red phone designed to alert staff members to any new videos of Motley Crüe frontman Vince Neil singing like complete dog shit, confirmed excited sources.
“Here at Metal Injection, we bring the stories that the true metalheads of the world crave,” said the site’s founder Frank Godla while sitting patiently by the new phone. “They don’t want to hear about boring shit like current, up-and-coming metal bands to look out for, or news on smaller, independent metal festivals. They want videos of Vince Neil making a complete embarrassment of himself! That’s why whenever we’re writing a hot topic story like what Corey Taylor thinks about grilled cheese or something, we will drop everything when that phone goes off. That ringing means more winded mumbling, and that spells dollar signs for us.”
Neil admits he hasn’t enjoyed the metal publication and their exploitation of his abysmal vocal abilities.
“At first I thought it was really fucked up how much attention they give just because I didn’t have such a hot night, or 74 of them, on tour,” Neil explained. “But in all reality, we as a band think it’s really boosted our ticket sales. After seeing the video of me butchering ‘Kickstart My Heart,’ I think it’s just made people want to experience the sheer embarrassment in person. We’ve gone from being one of metal’s most popular acts to being metal’s most popular traveling sideshows. And that’s just fine so long as the coin keeps rolling in.”
Metal historian Johnathan Smigel says the exploitation of failing metal musicians isn’t just a new concept.
“Ever since the genre’s inception, metal fans have chomped at the bit for the dirt on their favorite musicians and how they occasionally suck on stage,” Smigel said, adding that the genre has been ripe with embarrassment from the very beginning. “From 1988 to 1990, Kerrang magazine dedicated a full spread in each issue solely to Kip Winger’s on-stage ramblings and even had a douchebag scale to gauge them that seldom ever dropped below 8 out of 10. The genre is basically an endless well of this type of thing.”
At press time, the big red phone reportedly exploded after Motley Crüe recently performed a show at a venue where Vince Neil had to walk up a large flight of stairs before hitting the stage.