RALEIGH, N.C. — Math rock band Integrals continuously had their live set interrupted by the wormholes their music was repeatedly formulating on stage, sources report.
“Christ, that was annoying,” mentioned drummer Jake Refner as he loaded up following the band’s performance. “We only got two songs in when it started. I had just completed the third time signature switch in ‘Abstract’ when this horrifying, empty vacuum suddenly appeared on stage where our bassist Dave had been standing. We had no choice but to continue playing, and when we reverted back to 5/4 he reappeared. Apparently it had transported him to the Messier 32 galaxy. It happened three more times before we just threw up our hands and called it quits.”
Audience member Ashley Linder was aggravated by the Einsteinium disruptions to the show.
“It really sucks that my favorite band can’t even play more than a few songs,” Linder sighed as she got in line at the merch table. “At least this time I got to hear ‘The Singularity.’ The last time I saw them their guitarist ended up getting stranded in the Maffei 1 galaxy the whole time. The rest of the guys were real troopers and kept playing, but it just wasn’t the same. Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised to see him back tonight. I had just assumed he was stuck there for good. I would love it if they could use their atypical rhythm structures and odd time signatures to suspend natural laws long enough for me to hear ‘Critical Point.’”
Sharon Gottier, Professor of Mathematics at Duke University, weighed in on the situation.
“Prior to the advent of math rock, wormholes only existed in theory as hypothetical portals traversing space and time,” Gottier offered. “I have been researching them for decades, and it figures that some band comprised of elitist assholes accidentally accomplished more on stage than I ever could have dreamed. I just received recognition for my peer-reviewed publication on traversable wormholes in quantum gravity, but do you think that’s going to compare with what happened at the Moxy Theater tonight? I’ll be lucky if I don’t end up losing funding over this.”
At press time, the show was indefinitely postponed when black metal headliner Kristus Død accidentally transported the entire venue into the Tolkien universe.