AUSTIN, Texas — Local festivalgoer Kyle Garrison confessed to buying ACL Music Festival tickets not for the lineup, but for his favorite $25 chicken tenders from the concessions stand, sources who smuggled their own snacks inside report.
“Lineups come and go, but I can always rely on these tenders to be there for me,” Garrison said while waiting in line at the concession stand. “The dudes here make them just the way I like them — perfectly lukewarm, with a tiny cold spot in the middle to beat that festival heat. Sometimes I even treat myself to a side of honey mustard for a few extra bucks. I don’t know how they make it the exact same temperature as the chicken, but I don’t ask chefs to reveal their secrets.”
Connor Hutchins, Garrison’s friend and fellow festivalgoer, was less enthusiastic about the pricey tenders.
“Look, I’m not going to judge Kyle for liking lukewarm chicken, but I am going to judge him for paying $25 for it when we could be getting a good spot for Magdalena Bay,” Hutchins said while trying to get a better look at the stage from his place in line. “There are plenty of other places that serve mediocre chicken tenders without charging hundreds of dollars to get in the door. The hospital cafeteria serves these exact same tenders for like $3 a plate if you look like you’re visiting someone. Hell, I’m pretty sure you can get them for free if you pass out and get sent to a medical tent.”
Live Nation Executive Craig Martin was delighted to imagine how people liking overpriced festival food could increase his future profits.
“Here at Live Nation, we don’t set out to make things that are good. We’re famously your only option,” Martin said with a laugh. “But one guy unironically liking our chicken tenders could open a lot of doors for us. With our dynamic pricing model, we could charge him twice as much and pass it off as some kind of fan fee. If even two or three suckers are desperate enough to buy our festival food anyway, we could even implement it at all of our concession stands nationwide.”
At press time, Garrison was spotted enthusiastically asking concessions staff about the best $30 cocktail to pair with his meal.