Press "Enter" to skip to content

Man in Final Stretch of Conversation About Album He Never Heard

GREEN BAY, Wis. — Local poser Adam Luis-Meyers narrowly reached the end moments ago of a two-hour long conversation about an album he’s never actually heard, sources close to the total fraud confirmed.

“I mean, it’s kinda one of those albums you just say you’ve listened to, but you haven’t,” said a sweaty Luis-Meyers, of Neutral Milk Hotel’s In The Aeroplane Over The Sea. “Turns out this guy Bill has, and he really does his fucking research.”

In an effort to not appear lame in front of his friends, Luis-Meyers reportedly agreed with superfan Bill Giovatti that the album is “one of the best of all time” — a statement bearing ramifications for which Luis-Meyers was unprepared.

“I’ve never met somebody so excited to find out they had a friend who liked Neutral Milk Hotel,” Luis-Meyers said. “At one point, I said I was gonna go take a leak, but I just hid in the bathroom reading the ‘Genius’ annotations for as many songs as I could before they’d suspect something was wrong with my kidneys.”

Close friend Ana Rouhani noted Luis-Meyer had shown poor improvisation skills in the past.

“Adam makes everything up — I don’t know if he’s ever actually heard a song by anyone in his life,” she said. “He once told me his favorite guitarist was Led Zeppelin. When I asked if he meant Jimmy Page, he just said, ‘No, that guy’s a total hack, honestly.’ So when he asked Bill where he’d rank the sing-saw performance on the title track in comparison to other Elephant 6 recordings, it was like watching a CIA interrogation or something. Really skillful stuff. He’s come a long way.”

Fellow friend Jason Obtomeir allegedly did not realize Luis-Meyers was lying at all.

“Wait, he made all that up?” said an astonished Obtomeir. “He was saying some heavy shit, man. He compared them to Death Grips, and I was like, ‘How the fuck?’ But then I realized, like, if you try really hard to force yourself to agree, it actually kinda makes sense. He should be writing for Pitchfork, man.”

For his part, after the conversation, Giovatti let out a sigh of relief of his own.

“Between you and me, I’ve never listened to that album,” Giovatti revealed. “I just wanted to seem smart. I read the entire Wikipedia page while I stepped outside to ‘text my girlfriend.’ Neutral Milk Hotel sounds dumb, anyways. I actually thought it was a coffee shop.”