LAWRENCE, Kan. — Employees of independent record store Tables Turned announced their coveted “Sexiest Woman Alive” award went to Lisa Loeb for the 29th consecutive year, excited sources confirmed.
“We asked all our employees and regular customers to give us a list of all the women that they think should be considered and when we tallied everything up it was 17 votes for Lisa, and two votes for Fiona Apple,” said Tables Turned owner Walter Pinsky. “We hope that Lisa will someday visit the store and pick up her award in person. But that’s a long shot because a few years back her lawyer sent us a letter stating we needed to stop trying to contact Lisa or they would press harassment charges. Kim Gordon won the award in 1992, she stopped by the store while on tour with Sonic Youth to pick up her trophy. She didn’t actually leave with it, she pulled a knife on me and said she will ‘Burn this hellhole to the ground’ if we ever say her name out loud again, it was amazing.”
Longtime customer Alan Lemond believes the system is rigged in favor of Loeb.
“Each year they watch the music video for ‘Stay (I Missed You)’ right before voting begins. Of course everyone is going to vote for Lisa once they see that. She’s got the voice of an angel, and glasses straight out of a ‘Farside’ comic strip that drive men wild,” said Lemond. “The fact that Kim Deal has never been in contention is criminal to me. A few years back I asked if we could listen to ‘Gigantic’ before we voted and they banned me from the store for five months. It feels like Lisa has her thumb on the scales. And don’t try to suggest going to the police, I tried that and the cops laughed me out of the precinct.”
Madison Marsh, the winner of the Miss America pageant in 2024, says she has seen multiple negative online comments from record store owners since her win.
“Winning Miss America was a dream come true, but unfortunately the internet can be an ugly place. There have been comments on Instagram and Youtube from older men in Radiohead shirts saying they wish I married Courtney Love. I’m not exactly sure who that is, or what that means, but it seems threatening,” said Marsh. “But these same guys send me DMs offering to buy my used socks for thousands of dollars. I wish there was a different internet that pretty women got to use that didn’t allow these freaks to have access to us.”
At press time, Turned Tables announced that J Mascis will receive their “Man of the Year” award for a record-setting 43rd year in a row.