BOULDER, Colo. — Local metalhead Theo Cordin entered the third consecutive decade of his friends and family assuming he was a fan of German Neue Deutsche Härte band Rammstein, annoyed sources confirmed.
“Yeah, dude, I fucking love metal,” the 46-year-old confirmed. “I got really into thrash when I was a kid, and then I heard Dismember’s ‘Like an Everflowing Stream’ for the first time when I was in middle school, and I’ve been a huge fan of death metal ever since. At no point have I ever listened to Rammstein, but try telling that to everyone else in my life. Just last night a drunk guy started singing that stupid-ass ‘Du Hast’ song at me in a bar when he saw my Obituary shirt. At this point, I just smile and nod when shit like that happens. Trust me, there’s nothing to gain by explaining why being a metalhead doesn’t automatically mean I listen to some German techno band.”
Cordin’s longtime friend Carl Bergquist commented on the situation.
“I’ve known Theo since we were in second grade, and he started wearing black shirts with skulls on them and growing out his hair soon after,” Bergquist noted. “I don’t really listen to stuff like that, but I’ll try to put on Rammstein in the car for him when we’re hanging out, or show him clips of contestants singing ‘Let the Bodies Hit the Floor’ on American Idol. He’ll smile and nod at me, so I can definitely tell he appreciates it. It’s nice to know that I have a common interest with a lifelong friend.”
Sociologist Andrea Marquez explained that members of music subcultures are often mistaken for fans of unassociated bands.
“This is an extremely common complaint amongst members of specific sects,” Marquez confirmed. “Crust punks will receive blink-182 albums as gifts from well-meaning family members, and people will try to relate to their trad goth friends by talking about Evanescence. It can be alienating being the only person in your community who’s a fan of a specific type of music, which is exacerbated by gestures like this. Loved ones who do this definitely have their hearts in the right place, but it would probably be best if they refrained from mentioning music in general.”
At press time, Cordin suffered a breakdown after his mother bought him a ticket to an upcoming Breaking Benjamin concert.
Photo by Phil Smolinski