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“No Way Trump’s Coming Back From This” Says Legal Analyst With Poorly Developed Pattern Recognition Skills

ATLANTA — Sidney Powell’s recent guilty plea in the ongoing 2020 Georgia election subversion case is being heralded as a “major breakthrough” by mainstream pundits, deliriously hopeful sources who should know better confirmed.

“This is the smoking gun right here, it’s hard to see a path out for Trump after Powell’s plea,” stated senior CNN legal analyst Elie Honig, seemingly forgetting about multiple damning witness testimonials, 44 federal and 47 state charges against the former President–all of which are felonies — several public social media posts that went almost as far as to admit guilt in multiple cases, and countless other “coffin nail” pieces of evidence that have only served to bolster his political base. “I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes it’s all over. This will surely be the last straw!”

MAGA Republican Chase Eldridge held nothing back when questioned over today’s historic plea deal in an already unprecedented case.

“Look, Plunderin’ Powell pleading guilty has nothing to do with Trump and everything to do with the Deep State ruining our great country. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out the whole thing was her idea the whole time. She’s pretty much exonerated Trump as far as concerned,” explained a boisterous Eldridge who also asked if Trump could credit him for the nickname “Plunderin’ Powell” if he decides to use it at his campaign stops. “If anything, this just makes me wish I could vote two or, hell, maybe even three more times for him when he inevitably wins the Republican nomination.”

Gerald Stacks, an inmate at the Fulton County Jail, expressed indifference with the entire case, citing massive issues with the American justice system at large.

“I’m currently in my third year of a ten-year minimum sentence for carrying an ounce of weed with no prior convictions” said a visibly angered Stacks after being brought up to speed on the unfolding story. “These assholes just get to walk in here for a photo-op and leave after nearly destroying the Capitol Building. Last week I asked about my parole and a guard literally kicked me in the stomach. I might not even be able to get a job after this, and this guy gets to run for President again? And on top of that he’s the front-runner for one of two major parties. Holy fucking shit.”

At press time, an MSNBC anchor was desperately assuring viewers at home that Trump’s primary numbers are merely estimates and that there’s “no way” he’s going to clinch the nomination again.