MIAMI — Longtime Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich was seen threatening to break up the band if his fellow bandmates continued to miss him jumping off the diving board, confirmed sources who called his bluff.
“It’s outrageously embarrassing to completely destroy a sick belly flop or one of those jumps where you keep running mid-air after already going off the diving board, and then you come up for air and look over to see none of your bandmates are acknowledging your aquatic skills,” Ulrich complained. “I also told Hetfield to pick me up some Dr. Peppers and he came back with some store brand commoner bullshit called Dr. Riffic like I don’t work hard and earn the good stuff. Almost ended the band after that incident too. Oh, and when I wanted to play tetherball, they were suddenly all too busy relaxing in the cabana, being snooze-fests. That’s grounds for dissolving the band too. Let’s just say I almost nixed Metallica 12 times this week over various offenses.”
Lifeguard Brian Marino was visibly annoyed after jumping in to save what he believed was a drowning victim at the time.
“I saw a bunch of thrashing around and flailing, and dove in straight away. When I swam over it was a 60-year-old man, he made a shushing motion and whispered something about how he was trying to get Kirk Hammett to jump in and save him. Then he asked me if I saw him rip a cannonball and how big the splash was,” Marino explained. “He needs to learn that if he’s going to act like this then there would be consequences. I told him he needed to take the swim test again if he wanted to stay in the deep end. He told me to fuck off then spent an hour on the phone with his awyer trying to get the pool facilities closed down.”
Family therapist Michelle McCoy compared internal band relationships with family dynamics.
“Sometimes the role of the youngest child is used to act out against others in your band,” said McCoy. “I gave Lars a deep breathing exercise to calm down during a tantrum. But when he would try to count to 10, he would instinctively start air drumming after one, two, three, four. I haven’t seen such dysfunction since trying to moderate board game night between Simon and Garfunkel.”
While Metallica still remains together, there is a worry that a band trip to Disneyland next week could put an irreconcilable strain on the band.