VANCOUVER, Wash. — Your former high school bully, and current Washington State Trooper Adam Wisk, surprised veteran members of the scene by insisting he knows the true definition of punk, sources actively blocking him on social media confirmed.
“I don’t like punk music. I never have and I never will. But those so-called punks are a bunch of posers anyway. We get it, you reject authority, it’s the same old story. Actual punk rockers reject the rules of punk and embrace law and order,” said Officer Wisk. “Being a cop is basically the most punk thing anyone can do at this point. I can do whatever I want, say whatever I want, and if anyone gives me any crap I get a few of my buddies and we beat them down in the streets. I can’t think of anything more punk than that.”
You had a different read on the situation.
“I really don’t know why so many middle-aged men suddenly think they hold the truth to what ‘Punk’ is all about. It’s all the same story, they are mad because they can’t use homophobic slurs in public anymore and they think it’s ‘Sticking it to the man’ to be an insufferable asshole,” you said while organizing a mutual aid event for unhoused neighbors. “And I’m not sure why it’s always a guy in a backwards hat, sunglasses, plaid shorts, and sandals that seems to have the strongest opinions of what it means to be a punk. Go live your life, try having a conversation with one of your kids before they hate you as much as I do.”
Cultural anthropologist Lindsey Savoy believes the battle of the definition of punk is just beginning.
“We first heard people claim that being conservative is the new punk rock during the first Trump run for presidency. These were mainly people who seemed to have low level brain damage and a complete inability to draw logical conclusions, but their message started to gain traction,” said Savoy. “Now there is a new generation of homophobic, xenophobic, and nationalistic musicians who built on that conservative premise of punk and want to be the next Skrewdriver, but not in an ironic sort of way, they are legitimately proud of being ignorant pieces of trash.”
At press time, you were actively trying to avoid an argument with an old roommate where they claimed being vegan actually kills more animals than a carnivore diet.