WASHINGTON — Vice President-elect J.D. Vance made history earlier this week when he became the first person to hold the office who is extremely unsettling to be around and genuinely unpleasant to have a conversation with, multiple sources confirmed.
“People have told me all my life ‘Get away from me,’ ‘Please stop talking,’ and ‘Don’t make me call the cops’ whenever I engage in conversation with them. Now I’ll be their Vice President, and they will have to talk to me, or I’ll put them in jail,” said Vance without blinking. “I mean, it’s crazy, I’m just an average guy from a small town who used to torture the cats in my neighborhood, set fires, and read to my mother while she showered. This administration is going to be about change. I’m going to oversee all the security agencies and find out once and for all if they are spying on Americans through the cameras on their laptops.”
Social pariahs across the country were elated to see Vance elected to such a high office.
“As soon as Pennsylvania was called I started DMing a few girls I went to high school with and told them I’m going to be sleeping outside their window tonight, and if they hear anyone whispering, it’s just me whispering Kid Rock lyrics to myself while pulling out the hairs on my leg one by one,” said local weirdo Trip Hutton. “My biggest hope for this administration is lowering the price of groceries at the gas station I shop at. Monster drinks are so expensive I can only afford to drink five or six a day. And the beef jerky by the register is just for special occasions now.”
Historians say there have been a lot of slightly awkward Vice Presidents through the years, but Vance is the most off-putting yet.
“Al Gore was considered stiff, colleagues of his say if you tried joking with him he would stand as still as a statue and say ‘jokes are the candy of the soul’ and grind everything to a halt. But it was harmless,” said Dr. Anna Petrero, a Professor of History at UCLA. “Of course some people will say William R. King was a total oddball, a lifelong bachelor who loved powdered wigs, but unfortunately he got sick and died only a few weeks of taking office. So nobody really talked ill of him at the time, I do hope Mr. Vance follows a similar timeline.”
At press time, Vice President-elect Vance announced plans to pass legislation that women can no longer flush the toilet until he gets a look inside.