PHILADELPHIA — Avid Iron & Wine fan Kyle Bennet was recently seen panting in exhaustion after listening to a moderately-paced modern rock song, sources report.
“I usually listen to pretty laid-back music, but I was trying to be cool, and see what this rock and roll sound, was all about,” Bennet explained while frequently gasping for air mid-recovery. “Then everything started rushing. It was like lightning, at a hundred beats per minute. So much all at once: not just one instrument, but two, then three, then even four. I’m used to Iron & Wine singing and playing guitar at the same time — I’m even okay with him playing more than one string at once, if he has to — but this was a full-body experience that I’m not ready for yet.”
Bennet’s friend Carson O’Neil has claimed responsibility for Bennet’s exhaustion.
“I was surprised that anybody could have such a strong emotional reaction to ‘She Will Be Loved,’” O’Neil admitted. “He praised Terry Gross’s rapid-fire delivery after an episode of ‘Fresh Air’ finished up on the radio, so I figured I’d switch to music and keep the energy firmly moderate. Kyle told me he would be chill with it. He was drenched in sweat, panting, and crying a little by the time the song was over. He wasn’t just moved by Maroon 5’s lyrics; he was visibly spent by the tempo. I have no idea how to respond to this.”
Ross Trench, a personal trainer specializing in helping clients prevent tempo-related fatigue, wants to help train Bennet to listen to faster music.
“I’ve seen dozens of wimpy folk fans get stuck in a rut of slow-paced, frail music, but I believe that anyone can work their way up to hearing faster stuff without breaking a sweat,” Trench noted. “Take this dweeb Kyle, for example. If you start him up with Iron & Wine in his listening routine, you can slowly work his way up by having him listen to Punch Brothers for endurance, with weekly Dead Kennedys sprints to cross-train. He can increase base BPM 10% per week to avoid speed-related injuries. As long as he stays consistent, he’ll be able to listen to the original version of ‘Such Great Heights’ instead of the Iron & Wine cover in no time.”
At press time, O’Neill was preparing an emergency kit for Bennet’s next live music event, including an inhaler, water bottle, and First Aid Kit CD.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
