PHILADELPHIA — Avid Iron & Wine fan Kyle Bennet was recently seen panting in exhaustion after listening to a moderately-paced modern rock song, sources report.
“I usually listen to pretty laid-back music, but I was trying to be cool, and see what this rock and roll sound, was all about,” Bennet explained while frequently gasping for air mid-recovery. “Then everything started rushing. It was like lightning, at a hundred beats per minute. So much all at once: not just one instrument, but two, then three, then even four. I’m used to Iron & Wine singing and playing guitar at the same time — I’m even okay with him playing more than one string at once, if he has to — but this was a full-body experience that I’m not ready for yet.”
Bennet’s friend Carson O’Neil has claimed responsibility for Bennet’s exhaustion.
“I was surprised that anybody could have such a strong emotional reaction to ‘She Will Be Loved,’” O’Neil admitted. “He praised Terry Gross’s rapid-fire delivery after an episode of ‘Fresh Air’ finished up on the radio, so I figured I’d switch to music and keep the energy firmly moderate. Kyle told me he would be chill with it. He was drenched in sweat, panting, and crying a little by the time the song was over. He wasn’t just moved by Maroon 5’s lyrics; he was visibly spent by the tempo. I have no idea how to respond to this.”
Ross Trench, a personal trainer specializing in helping clients prevent tempo-related fatigue, wants to help train Bennet to listen to faster music.
“I’ve seen dozens of wimpy folk fans get stuck in a rut of slow-paced, frail music, but I believe that anyone can work their way up to hearing faster stuff without breaking a sweat,” Trench noted. “Take this dweeb Kyle, for example. If you start him up with Iron & Wine in his listening routine, you can slowly work his way up by having him listen to Punch Brothers for endurance, with weekly Dead Kennedys sprints to cross-train. He can increase base BPM 10% per week to avoid speed-related injuries. As long as he stays consistent, he’ll be able to listen to the original version of ‘Such Great Heights’ instead of the Iron & Wine cover in no time.”
At press time, O’Neill was preparing an emergency kit for Bennet’s next live music event, including an inhaler, water bottle, and First Aid Kit CD.