AUSTIN, Texas — A local Iron Maiden T-shirt came to the sudden realization yesterday, to its horror and disgust, that it was being sold at an Urban Outfitters retailer, according to sources also on display near the shirt’s rack.
“I’m not gonna lie. This is a serious let down,” lamented the shirt, featuring longtime Iron Maiden mascot Eddie as “The Trooper.” “I figured, when I was still in the box, that I’d be unveiled at a live Iron Maiden show… maybe a fest or something. I’d already come to terms with being sold to a bald guy with a ponytail who lives in a van.”
“I realized I wasn’t at Monsters of Rock when I saw so many younger customers, which… OK, whatever,” the shirt added. “But on a rack at Urban Outfitters, between ‘IDK Not Trump Tho’ shirts and rainbow-striped denim halter rompers? I don’t think I deserve this. I thought I saw someone walk by with an Ozzy bobblehead, but other than that, I don’t fit in with anything here.”
The wistful shirt, fondly remembering production alongside other metal shirts, questioned how it arrived in such a lowly establishment.
“When I was fresh off of the press, I was so pumped — all my neighbors were Slayer, Megadeth, and Judas Priest shirts,” said the shirt, trying to hide itself behind a Mr. Bubble display. “Man. I sure hope those guys ended up in a better place than I did. I wouldn’t even wish this on a Five Finger Death Punch shirt.”
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When reached for comment, an Urban Outfitters salesperson unfamiliar with the metal band admitted her excitement for the latest merchandise.
“I actually kind of like these new shirts. They’re pretty fierce,” noted shift lead Megan Tucker. “The name ‘Iron Maiden’ is fire! If I had to guess, I’d think maybe she’s a designer… probably from London or Paris or something.”
“These shirts would look super cute if maybe I could upcycle them into crop tops,” she added. “Insta would lose their shit!”
At press time, the shirt had been sold to a 14-year-old who planned to cut the shirt into a scarf based on an idea from Pinterest.