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Honest Metal Band Just Comes Out and Says New Album Not as Good as Old Stuff

TORONTO — Legendary Canadian heavy metal band Stone Hammer were completely transparent when addressing fans about their new record, saying that the material is definitely not as good compared to their earlier albums, skullet-clad sources report.

“We’ve been working on this new record for about a year now, and we have to say, it’s just….okay,” Stone Hammer bassist and main songwriter Wayne Lorvell explained. “We could all tell while writing these new songs that the same spark we had when we wrote ‘Tumble Into Satan’s Tomb’ record back in ’87 just wasn’t there. With that being said, we think the lack of youthful angst, and the typical distractions of life adults tend to face, makes this our most ‘ehhh, it’s alright’ record to date.”

Stone Hammer fan Alyssa Gonzales appreciates the honesty put forth by the band.

“When I heard Stone Hammer was putting out a new record for the first time in years, I had super high hopes. But the band themselves made short work of that,” Gonzales said, adding that she respects the band’s no-nonsense approach. “It’s perfectly average though! I mean, how many metal bands have disappointed their fans with some lackluster stink-bomb 20 years after their prime? Usually you are fed this load of crap about it ‘Being the most ferocious album in decades,’ at least Stone Hammer admits they lost their spark. Sure, it’ll probably hurt record sales, but people will undoubtedly still come to live shows to hear the good stuff.”

Experienced metal producer Carl Terry gave some insight into subpar later albums by mainstay acts.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret, okay?” Terry stated while leaning his head forward through a cloud of cigarette smoke. “All of these old-school guys know their new albums blow. They don’t admit it because they want to maintain the legacy of their respective bands or whatever. It doesn’t make much sense to me, though. I think Dave Mustaine would have a bit more respect if he had said ‘Risk’ was a pile of shit upon its release. A little self awareness would do both him and the metal community as a whole some much needed good.”

At press time, Stone Hammer was settling on a digital, AI-generated album cover instead of the Ed Repka artwork of the past.