15. Erik Robbins
Have you ever met someone who seems pretty normal on the surface, but is low-key kind of terrifying? That’s Melissa’s dad Erik. He’s a real estate agent, which is all well and good, but he also loves to make uncomfortable jokes, is prone to random laughing fits, and buys the local kids wine coolers on the grounds that “they’ll find a way to get them anyway.” In other words, he’s not handling the divorce well and it’s a wonder he got custody. At best, he passively condones crowdkilling as something the kids these days are doing. At worst, he’s at the edge of the pit throwing elbows to distract himself from the crushing loneliness. He’s probably the one who elbowed Dwayne.
14. Arnold Lindenson
Paula’s boss Arnold Lindenson is a socially inept, self-absorbed weirdo. He’ll flagrantly treat you like shit while somehow being completely unaware he’s treating you like shit. To put it another way, he’s kind of the quintessential crowd killer. If he were to stumble into a hardcore show, he’d instigate so much shit no one would even know where to start—not because he’s evil, but because he genuinely thinks being a dick is just what you’re supposed to do at these things.
13. Doris
Paula’s mother Doris is the kind of controlling parent you just can’t win with. She’s the kind of mom who would chastise you for getting crowd killed, instead of being the one doing the crowdkilling. And if you are the one doing the crowdkilling, she’ll criticize you for not fucking up enough people. All of this is to say that she’ll sign off on anything that lets her tell you what a disappointment you are.
12. Sam
Paula’s father Sam also likes crowdkilling—but for very different reasons than his estranged wife. He’s an old man with a drinking problem and very little left to lose. He’s also not exactly playing with a full deck. After all, he practically begged Brendon (his grandson, let’s not forget) to punch him in the face for shits and giggles. If you start two-stepping around him, there’s no telling what he’ll do.
11. Fenton Mulley
Everyone, at some point or another, knew a Fenton Mulley growing up. He’s a spoiled little shit who just won’t leave you alone, no matter how clear you make it that you don’t like him. He’s also the type to poke the bear and run away. He’d absolutely be one to instigate scene violence—probably out of anger over the fact that everyone’s seen his mom naked online.
10. Linda
Brendon’s step-mother Linda is pretty quick to anger and frankly spends way too much time beefing with an eight-year-old. She’s also incredibly stuck up and does volunteer work solely to make herself look good—not because she actually cares about anyone. She’d probably be an Instagram influencer if she was around today. She’d never go within 100 yards of a hardcore show, but she probably supports crowdkilling as a means of letting those she deems inferior thin themselves out.
9. Helmet
Not to be confused with the ‘90s alt-metal band of the same name, Helmet is a regular at the local Renaissance Faire. He also loves to start shit with the kids at the sci-fi convention across the street, resulting in unmitigated chaos. He’s a weird nerd beating up on other weird nerds for not being the “right kind” of weird nerds. And really, is there a better metaphor for crowdkilling than that?
8. Jason Penopolis
“Home Movies” tritagonist Jason Penopolis is kind of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. At first, he seems like a dopey, harmless kid. But he’s got a hell of a mean streak—something that’s especially on display in the later seasons. This kid has advocated literal murder. Do you think he’s going to draw the line at crowdkilling? If he gets hopped up on sugar before going in the pit, it’s all over. All you can do is pray you will be spared.
7. Eugene
Much like Fenton and Helmet, Russian exchange student Eugene is an instigator. His only mission in life is to rile people up for his own amusement. His biggest contribution to the “Home Movies” canon is the time he pissed in Coach McGuirk’s canteen, then let Brendon take the fall for it. He’d probably try to start fights at shows by blaming his crowdkilling on others. That’s the level of shit-stirring we’re dealing with here.
6. Jimmy Monet
Jimmy Monet can best be described as the evil inverse of Dwayne—the General Zod to his Superman. Dwayne is the humblest, most laid-back heavy metal dude to ever exist. Jimmy is David Lee Roth if you sucked out all likability. Jimmy also treats his girlfriend like shit and spends all her money. That sort of behavior might as well be a prerequisite for the kind of guy who would love crowdkilling—especially if he can watch it from the safety of the stage.
5. Mr. Pendlehurst
First things first, school disciplinarian Mr. Pendlehurst is a fucking cop. More specifically, he’s a former prison guard who was bullied by the other prison guards. He now treats his students the same way to make himself feel like a big man. It’s a sad and pathetic existence. Needless to say, Mr. Pendlehurst loves crowdkilling. His lifestyle and values are completely antithetical to those of the punk scene. But as a cop, he loves anything that lets him beat up on people with impunity.
4. Shannon
Of all of Brendon’s awful classmates, Shannon might very well be the worst—and not just because he looks like a failed human/Sneetch hybrid. Shannon is a violent prick who knows full well and even revels in the fact that he’s a violent prick. He would tell you before the show that he’s going to spin-kick you in the dick. Then, he would proceed to spin-kick you in the dick, no matter how far away from the pit you are. (And then he would do it again.)
3. Walter and Perry
Walter and Perry are easily the most wholesome characters in all of “Home Movies.” At least, that’s what they’d have you believe. Much like Jason, these two helium addicts have a hidden dark side—an insatiable bloodlust that occasionally makes its way to the surface. The last thing you’ll see before waking up on the floor of the venue is Walter whipping Perry at you like a fucking Beyblade.
2. Honkey Magoo
Brendon’s short-lived canine companion Honkey Magoo is a genuine fucking menace. This hellion of an animal has absolutely no regard for anyone or anything around it, often leaving nothing but a trail of destruction in its path. If Honkey Magoo was sentient and knew what crowdkilling was, it would be his favorite pastime. Have you ever wondered why 924 Gilman banned dogs? The answer is Honkey Magoo.
1. Coach McGuirk
Coach John McGuirk is a barely-functioning alcoholic who’s somehow allowed to coach elementary school children despite multiple stints in jail. He stole a child’s identity, sexually harassed the school nurse, and gleefully admitted to beating up one of his young soccer players. In other words, he’s probably considered a scene legend in some of the worst circles you can imagine. He would spin-kick Brendon in the face and brag about it to him the next day.
Continue Reading:
1 2