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Henry Rollins Wears Shorts to Funeral

LOS ANGELES — Hardcore legend Henry Rollins wore a black pair of shorts to the funeral service of a family friend late last week, multiple unsurprised witnesses confirmed.

“The shorts were expected,” said mourner Danny Snyder. “That said, the fact that he had formal wear on every other part of his body was kind of a shocker. Tim [Carr] must have meant a lot to him.”

Carr, the deceased friend, had long admired Rollins’ public speaking work, and the family asked Rollins to give the eulogy.

“I know [Rollins] isn’t really religious or anything,” said Linda Carr, the widow of the deceased. “But the man stood by the casket, with sculpted calves for all to see, and spoke for three full hours. He even read through a few chapters of Get in the Van for an encore. I have to say, his reading really brought the book to life — I felt like I was there, driving through the midwest with Black Flag. If Tim were alive to see that, he’d have died all over again.”

Despite the comments on his attire, Rollins was unfazed.


“I don’t see what the big fucking deal is here,” said Rollins, placing flowers on the casket. “I wore my best tiny black shorts, and I didn’t grab my crotch once. I didn’t even punch that guy who cried the entire time I spoke, and he totally deserved it. I’m practically the fucking pope.”

According to public records, this was not the first time Rollins’ shorts have been an issue. Last year alone, the punk icon was spotted in similar skin-tight black shorts at multiple weddings, award shows, and day-to-day as a man over 40 years old.

“Overall, I support [Rollins] choice of dress,” said Renee Scott, a former co-worker of Carr’s. “It was a beautiful service, and he was a big part of that. The shorts didn’t bother me. Him wearing jeans to the gym is what bothers me.”