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Hawthorne Heights Merch Table Only Selling Abortions and Weed Now

DAYTON, Ohio — Members of Hawthorne Heights announced they would be pivoting their merch strategy at shows in their home state following a vote to make weed legal and protect abortion rights, multiple sources confirmed.

“We want to ride this wave of enthusiasm so we partnered with a local weed vendor to create our own ‘Hawthorne High-ts’ strain of weed. Most of the band is straight edge, so we kind of just have to take everyone else at their word that this isn’t some skunk weed,” said guitarist and frontman JT Woodruff. “We also partnered with Planned Parenthood to give counseling to any woman dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. We will not personally be performing any of the abortions, but anyone who buys a package from us will get a password-protected link to a Vimeo video of a special live performance that they can watch during the procedure.”

The new merch offerings were seen positively by younger scene members, but older scenesters believe Hawthorne Heights has gone too far.

“I look around at shows and it looks nothing like it did back in the glory days of 2003. Back then bands only sold one piece of merch. It was a black Gildan shirt with white ink, and the biggest size you could get was medium. Nothing fit, and we loved it,” said 47-year-old Ezra Hansen. “Now instead of vegan literature everyone immediately tossed in the trash these kids are getting quality pot and access to reproductive care? It makes me sick. If things keep going this way then soon I won’t be able to carry my gun into shows anymore.”

Lawmakers in states surrounding Ohio warned the band about touring with their new merch items.

“Here in West Virginia, we have strong family values. That is why women who are pregnant through incest only have eight weeks to seek an abortion after jumping through many legal hoops,” said Governor Jim Justice. “We don’t want these rock and roll bands bringing their contraband to our great state. Thankfully most music acts drive right through to bigger markets, and that’s the way it should be. The only entertainment we need here is all found within the pages of the Bible.”

At press time, members of The National vowed to get increased visitation rights for divorced dads on the ballot in Ohio for next year.