SAN FRANCISCO — Local hardcore entrepreneur Jeremiah Tiff aimed to open up a second pit after the successful launch of his first one, confirmed sources who wondered if there were plans to have franchising rights in the future.
“I put the word ‘entrepreneur’ in my Instagram bio, and I don’t take that title lightly,” said Tiff while reading a book about productivity and simultaneously listening to a different audiobook about business development. “You need a growth mindset if you want to succeed in the startup mosh industry. My first pit just went public, so it’s time to expand and maximize the spin kicks. I think I’ve come up with a repeatable and scalable business model, and my five-year plan involves taking over the entire west coast of the United States. And might I add, I couldn’t have done this without the help of all those inspirational quotes I see on LinkedIn. It’s easily the best social media site for ambitious hardcore fans.”
Friends of Tiff were a little tired of his constant need to be successful.
“He keeps talking about how he wants to be the Elon Musk of mosh pits,” said Zack Halpern. “And you know what? He kind of is. His father was a self-made pit organizer, so Jeremiah had a headstart and has never had to worry about where his next two-step or windmill move is coming from. Not only that, but he just went on a podcast talking about how he wants to see more ‘masculine energy’ in the pit. On top of that, he envisions a future where we have same-day moshing capabilities. Sure, he’s innovative, but my god, can he be irritating. Just hang out and pick up change like the rest of us, dude.”
Aspiring CEO Craig Saunders believed this is just the start.
“Entrepreneurs see literally everything as a business opportunity,” said Saunders. “They want nothing more than to privatize mosh pits. Not to mention, they believe anyone can make a profit off of stage diving if it weren’t heavily regulated by the government. Heck, entrepreneurs are the ones that came up with the venue taking a generous cut of the merch sales during shows. Thanks to visionaries like us, we get to have more of your money. Unfortunately, there’s not much profit in opening bands. There’s no hope for them.
At press time, Tiff was already looking to hire a manager and entire staff for the second pit after it hit the ground running.
Photo by Forrest L Norvell