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Grieving Keith Richards Wonders Who Will Back Him on Drums for the Next 40 Years

LONDON — In the wake of legendary Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts’ death at 80, Keith Richards is grieving his close friend, while also being forced to reconsider long-term career plans.

“Nobody saw this coming, mate. For a guy like Charlie to be cut down in his prime at the age of 80, it just seems so unfair,” said the evidently invincible guitarist while chain-smoking unfiltered cigarettes and eating a giant cut of heavily salted steak. “I know I may only have five or six decades left, so I’ve got to take advantage of that time. I’ve got big plans for the ‘Exile on Main Street 70th Anniversary Tour’ coming up in 2042, but without Charlie there to lay it down…I just don’t know. There is a good chance the only drummer that can fill Charlie’s shoes hasn’t even been born yet, but we will be ready for when that person arrives.”

Stones fan and historian, Amy McDonald, attributes much of the band’s success to Watts’ signature jazz-influenced drumming style.

“You really needed to see Charlie play live to appreciate what he did, and I always planned on doing just that. Unfortunately, I put it off for the last 50 years or so because I always figured I had time,” lamented McDonald. “I just never thought something like ‘natural causes’ could take out a member of the Stones. I figured they would go on for another 70 years as long as all of them avoided swimming pools. But I’m not taking things for granted anymore, I’ve invested most of my life savings in crypto in hopes of hitting it big so I can afford to have Keith play ‘Amazing Grace’ at my funeral.”

Legendary musicians across the globe paid tribute to Watts and sent condolences to the surviving band members.

“I really feel for Keith, I do,” stressed former Beatles drummer, Sir Ringo Starr. “Charlie was a wonderful guy and a fabulous drummer. But Keith keeps calling, asking me to do him a solid, and I simply can’t commit to sitting in with the Stones on a stadium tour in 2035. I’ll be 95 bloody years old by then. Peace and love!”

Sources close to the situation report that Richards has been asking the family to hold off on cremating Watts until he can find a proper coke hookup.