HARTFORD, Conn. — Local metalhead and rabid Carcass fan Nick Patterson was shocked to learn that despite how it sounds, bloodwork is actually pretty boring, sources confirmed.
“I asked the nurse when I’d be covered in the sickly warm embrace of my own arterial spray” explained Patterson. “But they said it’s rare to nick an artery when drawing blood. I mean, Carcass makes medical stuff sound so gnarly, so I assumed that the ruthless extrication of the essence of my being for diabolical and torturous means would bring me agonizing pain. I pictured them cutting open my chest with a rusty knife, ripping out my heart with their bare hands, and then juicing my vital organ like a lemon to get the blood. Instead, they asked a distracting question about my dog and suddenly said ‘all done’ and slapped on a cute bandage before shuffling me out of the room. I didn’t even feel the needle. Not to mention I was given absolutely no time to windmill.”
The medical staff mentioned while Patterson seemed a bit confused, his labs were completely standard.
“His triglycerides looked great, but his LDL and Non-HDL were both higher than we’d like,” said Patterson’s medical provider, Lara Hernandez. “Nothing to worry about, he should just cut down on the fast food and carbs a bit. But for someone his age, overall, things looked good. However, he did mention he was very disappointed in the lack of scalpels and bone saws lying around. I politely reminded him that medicine has come a long way since the Middle Ages, and then he asked if he could see inside his own veins. It was weird.”
Patterson is one of many in a long line of metalheads who seem to take the lyrical content of their favorite bands a bit too seriously.
“It’s honestly becoming a bit of a problem,” opined Jeff Walker, primary lyricist for Carcass “People are taking everything we say literally. It’s actually pushed us to head in a new direction going forward. Our new album is called ‘How to Properly Apply a Tourniquet’ and is filled with genuine medical advice. And at the end, it helps you sign up for health insurance. Not that the Affordable Care Act is long for this world, though.”
At press time, a disillusioned Patterson was seen googling “Does Corpsegrinder even cum blood?”