WINNIPEG, MB – A Canadian passenger train jumped free of its tracks yesterday evening in a horrific disaster that played stunning homage to a classic Ozzy Osbourne song.
The train was going down the rails at 60 miles per hour when it careened off the tracks and into an open field, tipping two of its cars sideways. Investigators are still searching for a cause of the mechanical failure that lead to the crash, but early signs indicate that the true cause of the crash was the Canadian VIA Rail corporation’s desire to show their love for classic metal and, in particular, the 1980 Ozzy Osbourne song “Crazy Train.”
Passengers onboard the crashing locomotive described utter chaos. A hailing cacophony of wrenching clunks and screeching coming from all around – sounds that are undeniably referential of the emotional, virtuosic “Crazy Train” solo played by guitarist Randy Rhoads. May he rest in peace.
Overall, 39 passengers were injured, but none critically. “I’m so lucky to be alive,” reported one survivor, wiping the tears from her tired eyes. “I’m bruised but okay. I guess I’ll just go into work tomorrow. Just live my life,”
“This trip started off great. Fast, aggressive, with lots of promise, but much like the song it turned into a total disaster that nobody enjoyed. But that’s how it goes.”
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As the investigation continues, many questions remain unanswered. What were the conductors doing in the moments leading up to the crash? Were any of those conductors, perchance, wearing a majestic red cape like Ozzy does on the seminal cover of Blizzard of Oz? It’s surprising that no one aboard the train was killed, and even more surprising that none of the passengers were named “Mr. Crowley.” If the railroad wanted to plan the perfect homage to arguably the best metal frontman of all time, they could have at least gotten someone with that name involved, no?
Reached for comment, the legendary singer, Ozzy Osbourne himself was unwilling to speculate on the nature of the incident, saying, “Whuh? Who? What are you? Whuh?”