25. Devilock
The Misfits turned up the aggression and rawness on “Earth A.D.” Turns out this was the right move. Distancing yourself as much as possible from the snooze fest that is the National Anthem is always correct.
24. 20 Eyes
Francis Scott Key was an American lawyer and poet. Both of these occupations have no business writing a country’s theme that will last centuries. We need someone who wears black t-shirts exclusively and imagines a world where you have a shit ton of eyes in your head.
23. Green Hell
The quicker that we as a society realize that “The Star Spangled Banner” won’t even sound cool with aggressive palm muting guitar picking, the quicker we can pivot to listening to “Green Hell” before every nationally televised sporting event to celebrate the land between the imaginary borders we made up to call this place a country.
22. Static Age
If Danzig was tasked with rewriting the lyrics to “The Star Spangled Banner” back in the early ‘80s, he’d probably churn out “Static Age.” At least that’s why I play it in my ear buds while a marching band performs the National Anthem before a basketball game.
21. Skulls
Simply put, there is nothing more American than politely asking for the skull of another human.
20. TV Casualty
Go ahead and listen to this song just once and try not to shout the chorus along with Danzig by the time the last one rolls around. Guaranteed you can’t help yourself. Any time I’ve ever taken part in the National Anthem has been against my will.
19. London Dungeon
One of the few non-fiction Misfits songs, “London Dungeon” is about Glenn and then guitarist Bobby Steele spending a night in jail in England after an altercation after a show. Presumably, the cops called them “walking corpses” which made its way into the lyrics. ACAB is clearly a global phenomenon.
18. We Are 138
The curiously titled “We Are 138” has conflicting origins. Some non-Danzig members of the band believed it was about humans living in a world where they are androids with numbers instead of names. Glenn basically poo-pooed that theory but didn’t give a follow-up interpretation. Either way, the National Anthem is about a war. Boring.
17. Halloween
So you’re hosting a Halloween party and you’ve meticulously assembled the perfect spooky playlist for everyone to get hammered to. Are you really going to add some schlub’s live rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner” and ruin everyone’s fun? Or are you going to add the official Halloween National Anthem?
16. Earth A.D.
As we’ve already established, the guy who wrote “The Star Spangled Banner” was all about slaves. For all we know, Jerry Only is totally anti-slavery. Michale Graves on the other hand? That’s yet to be determined.
15. She
Sure, Danzig-era Misfits’ recordings are coarse, low quality, and basically just demo versions. But the National Anthem never had any demos or even remasters. The only way to experience it is to attend a sporting event and hear it live. That just seems like a whole thing.
14. Die, Die My Darling
The cool part about this song is that there is a background beep noise that sort of mimics the sound of a heart rate monitor. Then at the end it gets slower and tapers off, seemingly to portray a darling dying. Even the beeping sounds are more interesting to the ears than an anthem that’s so dull that you have to be a talented singer to perform it.
13. Children in Heat
The more you learn about Francis Scott Key, the more you’re like, “what the fuck, dude?” For instance, Francis was an anti-abolitionist. On the other hand, the more you learn about Glenn, the more you see that he is just a regular guy who likes cats and occasionally can be seen purchasing Fresh Step litter from his local grocery store. A true patriot.
12. Attitude
The National Anthem is played before every single sporting event for some reason, which just kills the competitive mood. I want a song that’s going to make me punch the nearest concrete wall out of respect for my team.
11. Night of the Living Dead
Ingrid Andress had to be drunk to sing the National Anthem before the Home Run Derby this year. If you need to be several beers deep to perform it, that’s the first sign that it’s time to retire “The Star Spangled Banner” and let it disappear into obscurity, like Misfits’ last studio album where Jerry Only was the lead singer.
10. Bullet
“Bullet” is about the assassination of President John F. Kennedy so, like “The Star Spangled Banner,” this one is about a slice of American history. Only this JFK murder wasn’t as long ago the War of 1812, and recency bias always wins.
9. Horror Business
Many of the Misfits songs are so catchy that they’ll likely get stuck in your head from time to time. Hell, you could even find yourself singing the line “I’ll put a knife right in you” from the chorus in this one on your way to work. But guaranteed, you will never get “The Star Spangled Banner” stuck in your head. Ever. It’s like your brain has some innate aversion to it that automatically deems it forgettable.
8. Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight?
This track is essentially about an incel school shooter, who at least asks for consent prior to going on a murder spree. Art is about shining a mirror onto society and Glenn has done that here decades before school shootings were rampant in America.
7. Teenagers from Mars
The full poem of the “Star Spangled Banner” has four verses and contains the line “Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps’ pollution,” which almost sounds like Danzig could have written. But alas, anthem outtakes don’t count for anything and we don’t need the National Anthem to be any longer than it already is.
6. I Turned Into a Martian
Nothing is more American than conspiracy theories that are so outlandish that only people who seek out confirmation bias under the guise of “doing research” fall for. One of the more imaginative theories is one about reptilian lizard alien people who walk among us. This track is basically that theory set to punk music and “whoas.”
5. We Bite
“We Bite” is one of the fastest Misfits songs in the catalog, and it’s sung from the perspective of a werewolf ready to rip the throats out of unsuspecting humans. Werewolf representation is severely lacking in nationalism. Do you really want to live in a country where we don’t acknowledge lycanthropes?
4. Astro Zombies
“The Star Spangled Banner” might be the only song at a sporting event that has never appeared on a Jock Jams compilation. Sure, Misfits haven’t either. But is “Astro Zombies” that much different than “Whoomp! (There It Is)” to hype you up to watch four straight hours of baseball?
3. Last Caress
The “I killed a baby today” lyrical urgency on this song is through the roof. Evidently, Glenn has been on record saying that he wrote this one to freak people out. Sure, no one appears to be melting down over this song at the moment, but that’s mainly because we have bigger things to worry about, like why is rent inexplicably going up 500 bucks next month? Maybe “sweet lovely death” isn’t so bad after all.
2. Hybrid Moments
Taking off your cap to show your respect for the anthem just feels like a little too performative. Luckily, Danzig never asks you to specifically remove any articles of clothing before an original Misfits reunion show. That’s how you run a country.
1. Where Eagles Dare
I’m sorry, but just how is someone expected to feel pride in a country while listening to a song written by a racist lawyer via feathered pen? Reba McEntire belting out “I ain’t no goddamn son of a bitch” before the Super Bowl is a nation worth living in.
Listen to the full playlist:
Photo by Jonas Rogowski.
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