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Emo Band Could Not Be Sadder You All Came Out Tonight

MINNEAPOLIS — Popular emo band Down the Road took a moment to acknowledge their fans during their set last night, telling the audience they “could not be sadder everyone spent some of the little time we all have on this Earth” to attend the show.

“I need you to know just how forlorn we are to see you all tonight,” said singer Bryce Connors, choking back tears. “Looking out at all your frowning faces… well, it makes us feel awful. We are sorry, too. Thank you so much.”

“We are deeply miserable our extremely sad songs about lost loves and broken hearts reached so many of you,” added bassist Lyle Wilbur. “Seeing you all reminds me just how painful life can be. It’s nights like tonight that remind me why we do this.”

Fans were openly touched by Down the Road’s heartfelt message almost as much as by their music.

“Before Down The Road, I smiled at school, I talked to my friends… I even had a healthy relationship with my parents,” said superfan Jenna Smule, a 14-year-old high school freshman. “I was a disaster. [Down The Road]’s music helps me view the world through a dark lens in which nothing but pain and sadness is visible. I almost joined the field hockey team, but now, I write poetry alone in my bedroom. This band saved my life. I was so sad I saw them.”


“I hope someday my band can get this many kids depressed,” said Cody Phillips, singer of up-and-coming emo band Hearts Above. “But sometimes I feel like it’s impossible. It makes me feel sad. But like, not sad in a way that’s good… but, like, it feels bad. But, like, not in a good way, you know? Whoa — that was pretty deep. I gotta write a song about that.”

The show took place at the historic Triple Rock Social Club, slated to host a night of presumably equally-grateful political punk bands next week, expected to thank attendees who paid $22.75 in Ticketmaster fees for “showing up to fight the good fight against capitalism.”