ALBION, N.Y. — Local curmudgeon Hadwin McKlusky fell victim to a vicious prank played by neighborhood kids in which they placed a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD into a bag and set it ablaze on his front porch, annoyed sources report.
“I was trying to have a nice relaxing night commenting ‘Trump for Emperor’ on Facebook posts when I heard my doorbell. I was already pissed I had to put pants on to answer the door, then the ball of fire on my porch really set me off,” McKlusky explained. “I couldn’t let my house burn down, cuz’ I know my lousy kids would put me in a home if it did. So I had no choice but to stomp it out, and what I found was disgusting. Red Hot Chili Peppers? Really? It ruined my slippers and I nearly puked all over my wife’s prized roses from the stench of the burning liner notes. I’d much rather it have been a steaming bean log than that funk-rock horse shit. This generation is fucked.”
Prankster Zach Cardin claims his cantankerous neighbor had it coming.
“Old man McKlusky apparently has an issue with hearing my grindcore band practice at 11:30 p.m. every night, so he really had it coming,” Cardin said. “We knew my buddy Terry’s dad has incredibly shitty taste in music, so we raided his dusty old CD cabinet and found the creme-de-la-crap: ‘Stadium Arcadium.’ Ugh, I get nauseous thinking about the sound that Peppers CD plopping into that bag made, but it was totally worth it. The look of sheer repulsion on his face was priceless.”
Local police chief Officer Ralph Daughtry warns that while humorous, these types of pranks can be very dangerous.
“It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and when it comes to pranks involving awful bands, people get seriously injured,” Officer Daughtry said. “One guy thought it would be funny if he snuck an Aerosmith CD into his friend’s car. He became so irate, he beat his own friend to death with a tire iron to the sounds of ‘Love in an Elevator.’ Another man once signed his buddy up for the Trapt mailing list and barely lived to tell the tale.”
At press time, Cardin taped a piece of paper to McKlusky’s back when he wasn’t looking that simply read “Kick me because I love Dave Matthews Band.”