BOSTON — Dropkick Murphys bagpipe player Campbell Webster was seen frantically Googling “puke bagpipes clean help Boston,” confirmed sources who gave him a “good luck with that” look before carrying on their way.
“I swear, if I have to lose another set of pipes due to partially digested food and regurgitated stomach bile I’m going to lose my shit,” said Webster using Incognito Mode. “Ah, here we go. It says right here to carefully cut the bag part open between the tenor drones and chanter using an 18th century single-edged dagger purchased from a guy who sells wares in Termonfeckin, dump the vomit out at a 45-degree angle while reciting the works of James Joyce, and sew it back up using the hair follicle of an Irish hare. Whew, good thing I have all of these items at my disposal or else this really could’ve been a nightmare. I’m not even sure who’s puke this is, but if I had to venture a guess it’d be the mandolin player. He’s always hurling in our instruments. If it’s not his then it’s definitely mine.”
Bandmates seemed all too used to this sort of behavior.
“You should see this dude’s search history,” said Dropkick Murphys singer Ken Casey. “It’s all bagpipe-related, like ‘how to tune that one Irish instrument,’ ‘bagpipery for beginners,’ and ‘do bagpipes still work if you’ve inserted your penis in one of the pipe holes.’ I mean, this guy really wants to know the ins and outs of his instrument. True dedication to the craft. If only our drummer had the same enthusiasm. All of his Google searches are related to Guinness beer and the Boston Celtics. Sure, mine are too, but still.”
Experts were quick to note similar instances among bands.
“Musicians’ browser histories are often very comical,” said music critic Dana Bowsing. “Glenn Danzig’s history is just b-horror movie clips from the 1940s and dark web photos of Marilyn Monroe’s rotting corpse. Slipknot band members’ searches are exactly ‘If I wear a mask for too long does it start to fuse to my face.’ Not to mention, all of Gwar’s searches are just how to get fake blood stains out of various articles of clothing, living room furniture, and pet hair. Nothing but weird stuff.”
At press time, Webster began receiving targeted ads from bagpipe brands, Boston tourism, and puke bucket companies.