LOS ANGELES — Legendary AFI frontman Davey Havok was overheard screaming “Do you know who I am?” at Harold’s Haunted Hayride employees while being forcibly removed from the premises, confirmed multiple sources.
“The clowns running this so-called Halloween attraction have no idea what it means to be spooky,” said Havok while being escorted to his custom hearse by security personnel. “I knew this was going to be a problem as soon as they told me I needed to leave my rats in the car. And when I told them I have a colony of bats that follow me as soon as the sun goes down they basically freaked out. My bats are very well-trained and all of them have their rabies vaccines, so I don’t see why it’s a problem if they fly around me eating bugs. They also claimed I broke the rules by bringing a bottle of blood to drink. Apparently they want me to pay $16 for whatever drinks they have at the concession stand, I’m sorry, but I only drink top of the line blood.”
Lizza Ramirez, the General Manager of Harold’s Haunted Hayride, says Havok has been a nuisance for the past few seasons.
“Last year he crashed the children’s pumpkin carving contest and made all the kids cry when he cut the power to the tent, lit a bunch of hay bales on fire, and chased everyone around with a giant snake,” said Ramirez. “The year before that he mailed himself to our gift shop inside a coffin, and when one of our employees opened it Mr. Havok bit him multiple times on the arm while screaming ‘I am undead.’ He’s currently serving a lifelong ban from our property, but he will paint his face white, put in some vampire teeth, and wear a wig so we don’t recognize him. I just wish AFI would tour when our humble attraction opens at the end of September.”
Southern California law enforcement officials expect more disruptions at Halloween events by ghoulish musicians.
“Some people think this is all a big joke. But I don’t see what’s so funny about having to arrest Alice Cooper every single year because he refuses to leave the haunted house at Knott’s Berry Farm. Without fail, he struts in there, sets up shop, and proceeds to psychologically torment the fine people of Buena Park and surrounding areas,” said veteran police officer Lyle Winston. “One of my buddies was just telling me that Marilyn Manson entered himself in a dog costume contest and kept trying to lick his own genitals in public. These people are sick.”
At press time, Havok was being asked to leave a midnight screening of “Nosferatu” after bringing his own pipe organ into the theater to score the movie.