RICHMOND, Va. — Banished Scumdogs of the Universe and legendary heavy metal band GWAR are reportedly planning on releasing a limited edition custom bidet that spays fake blood and cum, sources close to the band confirmed.
“Why is GWAR selling bidets? Because I want to rip off these ugly loser bohabs who’ll pony up their firstborn for one,” said GWAR manager, Sleazy P. Martini. “I want to make the big bucks, and touring and selling branded merchandise in this economy just isn’t cuttin’ it. Do you know how many tons of crack cocaine these monsters consume daily? Do you know how expensive crack cocaine has gotten because of inflation? Thanks for nothin’ Joe Biden! Anyway, a brainless idiot from some company wanted to make a GWAR-themed bidet for fans who want their asses sprayed with blood and cum after they take a shit.”
Brian Merrill, founder of Butt Day Bidet, says he is thrilled about the partnership with GWAR.
“Our company specializes in making custom, limited-run bidets that serve niche audiences,” said Merrill. “We’re all huge fans of GWAR here at Butt Day. As you know, GWAR showers their audience with fake bodily fluids at their concerts. We wanted to take that idea and run with it! Ultimately, we couldn’t think of a better way to pay homage to this legendary band than making a custom bidet that uses fake blood and…uh…ejaculate. We’re really happy with how everything came out, and think the fans will be, too.”
Metalhead and long-time GWAR fan, Brent De Luca, has seen GWAR countless times and is excited to purchase the bidet when it debuts.
“I’ve been in hundreds of GWAR pits throughout my time following the band,” said the excited De Luca. “I’ve taken full loads to the face from Oderus and Blöthar. I’ve been soaked in the blood of the last seven sitting U.S. presidents. And I’ve been doused in the piss, vomit, and bodily fluids of everyone from Snooki to Pope John Paul II. All those years following the band and not even once have I been blasted in the ass by blood and cum at a GWAR show. The release of this custom bidet means I’ll finally get to live out this dream. Feels great, honestly.”
At press time, GWAR is considering plans to expand its offering of plumbing products next year by releasing a Cuttlefish of Cthulhu showerhead.