GRAND ISLAND, Neb. — Child protective services finally paid a visit to 89-year-old Bertha Gwynne after she had been clipping newborn babies upside-down to a miles-long clothesline in the field behind her house, appalled sources report.
“Frankly, I’m shocked that I got away with it for this long,” Gwynne admitted as she was handcuffed and placed into custody. “I’ve been hanging babies upside down and leaving them exposed to the elements since 1994, and I just now got caught? It’s not even like I was being surreptitious about it, either. I mean, look at my work. This clothesline extends as far as the eye can see. I’m definitely not happy that I got caught, but I guess I can be thankful that I got away with it for so long. I’m going to miss my babies, but I guess everything happens for a reason.”
Child protective services agent Jessica Nantasri was taken aback by the scene she encountered.
“I’ve been working in this agency for 12 years, and I’ve never seen anything this bad,” Nantasri said. “It was just miles and miles of upside-down humans that got progressively older the farther back you went. I consider it a failure on our part that such a horrific crime went unnoticed for so long. I can’t even begin to speculate what her motivation behind this was, much less where she got all these babies. There was also a cat on the clothesline, but that’s not in our jurisdiction, so it’s still just dangling. There are just so many questions I have, so I’m really looking forward to the police questioning Ms. Gwynne.”
Tony Morelock, one of Gwynne’s countless victims, had mixed emotions upon being freed from the clothesline.
“Obviously, I’m happy to no longer be hanging from my toes, but it would be nice if someone had intervened sooner,” Morelock said as he acquainted his body to being upright. “I’m 31 years old now, and there’s so much life that I haven’t had the chance to live because I’ve been suspended in the air like a wet t-shirt since I was born. I’m surprised that I’m even still alive, as I’ve been stuck outside wearing nothing but a diaper for my entire life. It would be one thing if we were somewhere tropical, but we’re in Nebraska, for Christ’s sake. Do you have any idea how windy it gets?”
At press time, Nantasri was so busy with the situation that she was forced to ignore yet another call regarding the monsters from the “Butchered at Birth” album cover.