CHICAGO — Local residents are reportedly hunkering down and preparing for the worst after Dave Matthews Band’s private jet was scheduled to fly over the city threatening another fecal catastrophe, city officials confirmed.
“No, no, no, this can’t be happening again—I finally made a breakthrough at therapy for the trauma caused by the first time Dave dumped liquid shit onto me during that architecture tour,” said Martin Hall, survivor of the Dave Matthews Band Chicago River incident. “I can’t leave my apartment now, his airplane could be right above the city just waiting to unload any minute now! Dave Matthews is probably waiting until I leave the front door so he can watch gallons of his shit water crash into me! Oh god, I need to call my therapist.”
One shop owner witnessed the chaos in the streets as Chicago residents frantically bought out supplies so they could wait out the aerial excrement assault.
“This big mob rushed into my shop and cleaned me out of paper towels and Lysol, and I had to call the cops after two guys got into a fistfight over the last toilet plunger,” said Clark Gilbert, owner of the Grey Street Mini Mart. “I tried to tell them that there’s not a plunger on God’s green earth that’s going to save them if Dave Matthews rains a biblical flood of shit down on you from the sky, but when people start panicking there’s no reasoning with them. Personally, my insurance plan if I get caught in this shit storm is a 9mm bullet with my name on it. If it comes to that, well—I’ll see you in hell, Dave Matthews.”
City officials were already scrambling to have the flight diverted before disaster strikes the city again.
“Can’t Dave just fly over Milwaukee or something? Hell, you could dump 8,000 gallons of shit on Indianapolis and no one would even notice,” said Chicago city official Paul Amir, pacing during a phone call with the Department of Aviation. “The Mayor’s breathing down my neck because his niece is having a birthday party today and I need to assure him that some jamband isn’t going to rain a poonami of shitwater down on the bouncy castle.”
At press time, Evangelical Christians were gathering in the streets to witness the “11th Plague” that would soon arrive, claiming it would signal the beginning of the end times.