LOS ANGELES — Popstar Chappell Roan woke up to discover the severed and pink-painted head of a pony in her bed yesterday, seemingly a threatening response to her Grammys speech criticizing the record industry, sources confirmed.
“There I was, sleeping soundly, and I woke up like, ‘Bitch, what the fuck is this?!’ At first I thought it was a prop from a music video, then I saw the blood and realized this was a message from record industry scumbags who refuse to treat their artists with any respect,” Roan said of the super graphic scene. “The most frustrating part was how sloppy it was. You can tell whoever did this wasn’t an artist. They are just some buffoon who has failed upwards into a position where they intimidate gorgeous young women into staying silent. If you gave me a hot glue gun and some drugstore makeup, I could have a severed pony head looking fucking fabulous.”
Police apprehended suspect Jeff Rabano, an affiliate of the Grambino crime syndicate, which allegedly does dirty work for the Recording Industry Association of America.
“Listen pal, I was just following orders. They tell me they need something taken care of, then boom, I go hack the head off a small horse, spray paint it in my garage, and drop it in a young lady’s bed. It’s nothing personal, I actually really like Chappell Roan’s music,” the wiseguy said while trying to wash the pink paint from his hands. “We in the organized crime community feel she’s really given our people a voice. ‘My Kink Is Karma’ is our new anthem for vengeance whacks, ‘Hot to Go’ goes great with arson, and we always play ‘Pink Pony Club’ on our way to the races. Although I can’t really look at horses anymore after all this.”
This disturbing incident follows a long history of music industry giants being suspected of quashing dissent through illicit means, according to music historian Heather Li.
“It’s nearly impossible to prove these connections in a court of law, because big corporations are the real Teflon Dons. But the patterns are startling,” Li said. “Just look at Pearl Jam. Right after they criticized Ticketmaster in the ‘90s, dozens of Seattle’s flannel clothing stores were mysteriously bombed. Those bastards, the Big Three record labels, and Spotify are basically the Five Families.”
At press time, Roan posted a TikTok showing the words “DON’T PUSH YOUR LUCK, BABE!” written in lipstick on her bathroom mirror.