COLTS NECK, N.J. — The grandchildren of legendary musical artist Bruce Springsteen are reportedly exhausted after being serenaded with a soul-scorching series of lullabies that made them believe in the power of rock and roll but also just want to fucking sleep, confirmed sources.
“I love Grandpa, even though he makes us call him The Boss,” Wendy Springsteen, 7, said while yawning heavily. “He has all these funny stories about growing up in something called ‘The Working Class’ and hanging out with magic rats, but I really hate it when he sings us to bed. Me and my sister Mary and my brother ‘69 Chevy been wanting to sleep for hours now and he brought in some guy who he says is the nephew of a guy who used to play saxophone for him and now there’s another 20 minutes of solos.”
Springsteen himself was ready to keep going between lullaby encores.
“These kids are in for a show,” Springsteen said. “A number like ‘Itsy Bitsy [Spider]’ can’t be summed up in a 15 or 40 minute performance, you know? When people or my own grandchildren sign up for a Springsteen show, they know they’re getting an experience that they’ll remember for a lifetime and I can’t let them down. If I only did one encore during this lullaby, what’s next? A 15-minute set at my nephew’s bris? A half-assed Tom Waits cover during my neighbor’s cousin’s daughter’s junior high school graduation? Rock and roll doesn’t die, no matter how sleepy someone is.”
Behavioral therapist Martha Carter says that the tendency of legacy rockers like Springsteen to keep their progeny up at night is indicative of a troubling trend.
“It is typical for musicians like Mr. Springsteen to feel like they need to perform for hours for paying customers,” said Carter. “And that can bleed over to lullabies, voicemails, even takeout orders. Pearl Jam has been known to do six hour sets to commemorate savings time and Red Hot Chili Peppers once spent two and a half days going ‘ring a ding dingy dang’ when Flea’s niece won a spelling bee. In other words, musicians need to get a fucking grip.”
As of press time, Springsteen’s grandchildren burst into tears as he interrupted a lullaby to introduce a guest performance of “Rock-a-bye-Baby in the Free World” by Neil Young.