LOS ANGELES — A shocking new report by citizen journalist/unemployed man Gary Russo claims that skateboarder Tony Hawk did not actually write “Superman by Goldfinger,” shocked and confused sources confirmed.
“As everyone is well aware, famed skateboarder and Bagel Bites spokesperson Tony Hawk invented both the 900 and wrote the ska-punk classic ‘Superman by Goldfinger’ on the same day, but according to some earth-shattering information, I believe this may all be a lie,” said Russo. “I was able to access the dark web by entering ‘Incognito Mode’ in my browser, then navigating to this underground website, Wikipedia. According to them, ‘Superman by Goldfinger’ was actually written by an obscure ska band called Goldfinger. Tony just stole the song for his video games. Just know, if I’m found dead in the coming months, it was not a suicide.”
When reached for comment, Hawk was flabbergasted by the situation.
“I don’t really get the confusion, honestly. Neversoft came to me with a big list of songs and I just started approving the ones I liked. But somehow that song and I have become so intertwined. It’s not like anyone ever accuses me of writing ‘Jerry was a Race Car Driver,’” said Hawk. “Granted, I have sung the song on stage with the band a bunch of times, and I don’t really go out of my way to correct people when they tell me how much they love it, but I’ve never flat-out said I wrote it.”
Pop culture expert Marna Skeech added that this confusion is not unique to ska and skateboarding video games.
“This sort of thing happens all the time. A song becomes synonymous with a video game or movie or show that most people can no longer separate the two, leading to confusion,” said Skeech. “Consider how when the lead singer of Smash Mouth died, the hashtag #ripshrek was trending, with millions eulogizing the fictional green ogre. It also happens in reverse with a particular sound associated with a particular artist. The way that hearing diarrhea violently spraying against porcelain makes everyone think of Imagine Dragons.”
At press time, John Feldmann of Goldfinger has fired back at Hawk by claiming he invented both the frontside 540-Rodeo Flip, and the Saran Wrap.