OSLO, Norway — Black metal band Frossen Ensomhet undertook a series of team-building church burning activities at the behest of their band therapist, sources report.
“This will play an integral role in getting the band back to the cohesive, effective unit that they used to be,” therapist Sonya Jensen provided. “They had come to me complaining about their recent inability to reach common ground with their songwriting, so I suggested incorporating activities with shared objectives into their regular church burnings that will bring them into a more aligned style of thinking that will undoubtedly pay dividends in the studio. They’re really having a blast, pun intended.”
Frontman Anders Lund eagerly followed Jensen’s instructions.
“We’ve really lost the true essence of evil that inspired the filth and repulsion of our earlier works, and I’m hoping this will help regain it,” Lund offered while geocaching for the lighter and gasoline needed for their latest venture. “The purpose of our music is to drain the faith of every Christian infecting this cursed planet, and we can’t do that until we’re able to come together as a team. I never would have thought using a GPS app to locate the tools we need to destroy this grotesque house of the Crucified One would be what we needed, but I’m already feeling closer to my bandmates. I can’t wait to hear the newest collection of hellfire-forged hatred we will create after this.”
Fan Marissa Lowell was optimistic about the band’s efforts.
“Their last few albums were definitely lackluster, so if it takes the band conducting a scavenger hunt in the ruins of a church they’ve just razed to the ground, I’m all for it,” Lowell said. “I never would’ve thought that’s what they needed to return to the genius of their debut EP ’Cult of Unholy Perversions,’ but then again, I’m not a therapist. I’m really looking forward to hearing how this affects their next album. Hopefully it’s not a repeat occurrence of the therapist session in Metallica’s ‘Some Kind of Monster’ documentary, because we all know how that turned out.”
At press time, Jensen suggested a band outing to happy hour at TGI Fridays to talk through the drummer’s feelings of wanting to murder the guitarist and make a necklace out of fragments of his skull.