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Band Can’t Wait to Introduce Kick-Ass New Drummer at Memorial for One That Died

CLEVELAND — Local hardcore band Anaheim Mighty Fucks can’t wait to introduce its “kick-ass” new drummer at the memorial show to commemorate Evan Silva, the group’s former, less capable drummer who died last month, sources trying not to smile too hard report.

“We wrote this touching tribute to Evan called ‘Irreplaceable,’” said vocalist Dina Lorenzo, after insisting that a post on the event page claiming the band sounds “better than with Evan” was supposed to read “better than ever.” “And, holy shit… wait until you see our new drummer Phil absolutely destroy the drums on the breakdown — figuratively, of course. Not like when Evan tried to douse the kit in gasoline and play it while it was on fire, God bless his charred soul.”

Lead guitarist Matt Kreider expects an “otherworldly connection” when they play “Five Minutes for Fisting,” Silva’s “labor of love” and the only composition of his included in the band’s set over their four years together.

“We know you’ll be up there in heaven, trying to play right alongside us, bud,” Kreider said, index fingers pointed at the sky. “Careful of the middle section, though: the new guy made some killer changes, and there are a lot of polyrhythms, so… I mean, not that you couldn’t play it now, but maybe you could just clap during that part? Not every beat — on the two and four is fine. Love you, pal.”

Silva’s parents admitted they were angry that the band so readily replaced their son. However, an alleged meeting earlier this week with his replacement allayed those objections.

“Oh, Phillip is such a swell young man,” said Mrs. Silva, tearfully watching a video of the band’s old footage their new drummer personally produced to accompany their tribute track. “Not only was he articulate and considerate, but his tableside manners were so complex and developed. He even offered to lend a hand with some yard work that Evan always flaked on. I guess you could say he’s like the son we never had!”

At press time, Silva’s parents were elated to announce that the new drummer would also be replacing their son at the dinner table for the first family gathering since his passing.

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