Press "Enter" to skip to content

Alice Cooper Unveils Plans for First Republican Goth Golf Course

PHOENIX — Shock rocker Alice Cooper broke ground today on his new Republican-exclusive, goth-themed golf course, “Welcome to My Putt-mare,” developers close to the project confirmed.

The 18-hole course will be the first in the nation where goths and Republicans can work on their respective games without judgement.

“Most country clubs won’t let you play while wearing eyeliner or fishnets,” said Cooper, clad in a black-and-white striped carnival barker’s outfit, top hat, and cane, during a press conference. “Welcome to my Putt-mare is a whole different beast — you can be freaky and conservative here.”

Development partner Eli Fitzgerald offered a grand vision for the course, which will feature greens in different shades of black.

“Welcome to My Putt-mare will be a one-of-a-kind golf experience — we’ll play exclusively rock, new wave, glam, and metal in all of our facilities and on our American-made golf carts,” said Fitzgerald. “Our pro shop employees will be trained to offer insider coaching on both golf and heavy metal music.”

The investor list is a “who’s who” of conservative rock icons, including Kid Rock, Godsmack’s Sully Erna, Gene Simmons of KISS, Ted Nugent, and M. Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold.

“I jumped to invest, man,” said Kid Rock from his suburban Detroit mansion. “It’s for rockers and wild animals like myself… people who love golf, and America. When Alice told me about it, I said, ‘Sign me the fuck up!’ Don’t be surprised if you find me passed out, shit-drunk in one of the sand traps on opening weekend.”

Cooper also announced plans for a “School’s in for Summer” Goth Caddy of the Year Scholarship, enabling business-minded goths to access their favorite hard-rocking conservative lawmakers.