New York — Local thirty-something punk Charles Murray is unable to settle on an official complaint about this year’s Fest, indecisive sources confirmed.
“I go through this every year with Fest. It’s always easiest to complain about the lineup, all I have to say is something like ‘I guess all the good bands were already booked’ and then I can call it a day. But traveling is harder and harder as well. I could just complain that Florida is a swamp that’s hard to get to and that they need to book a New York version of Fest,” said Murray while watching an “Ancient Aliens” marathon. “My third option is waiting until Monday and complaining that I missed the event altogether. I might break out the old ‘I wish I had a rich dad that bought me a ticket to Fest too.’ But rest assured that once I make a decision I won’t shut up about it for days, maybe weeks.”
For many, the excitement of complaining about shows they have no intention of attending has long since replaced any joy derived from seeing live music.
“Whenever Charles sees a flyer or gets invited to a show, he has a total fucking meltdown trying to explain why he doesn’t want to go,” said Murray’s wife, Diana. “Then he spends the next day sulking around the house because he ‘missed out.’ Just say you don’t know any of the bands, you don’t feel like driving across town, or it’s on a weeknight and you have to work the next day. Alternatively, you could just, you know, go to the show. You’re almost 40, dude. Grow up.”
Fest promoters admit they have long since given up on trying to please everyone.
“You just can’t win with some people,” said Fest promoter Ben Lawrence. “If the bands I book are too popular, it’s too crowded and we ‘sold out.’. If I don’t book enough bands, it’s not worth making the trip and we are ‘washed.’ If I book too many bands, the shows run too late and people want to murder me. Why should I try to book every single band that put out an influential album in 2003 if the only people who like this shit are going to use traffic on I-95 as their excuse for staying home and still complain about it?”
At press time, Murray was seen drafting a sappy Instagram story simultaneously criticizing Fest promoters, insulting Fest attendees, and complaining that he won’t be at Fest.