PONCA CITY, Okla. — Local 36-year-old Shane McThomason recently admitted he still instinctively hides his Eminem CDs whenever his parents visit him, confirmed sources who impulsively did the same.
“‘The Marshall Mathers LP’ is the first of many Eminem CDs that I shove in the back of my personal safe whenever mom and dad stop by,” said McThomason while clearing his Spotify search history in case his parents check. “I just can’t risk having them hear Eminem threaten the life of Moby or even casually utter the name Carson Daly via song. They’d have a meltdown and send me to my room in my own house that I paid for. It’s times like these I wish I just bought the censored versions from Walmart. That way, in the event they found my safe, cracked the code, and played my stash of Eminem, they’d at least think my sources of entertainment didn’t include homophobic slurs and a few F-bombs.”
McThomason’s parents were well aware of their son’s proclivity to hide his interests from them.
“We know he’s been concealing those compact discs from us for years,” said Joseph McThomason. “I guess he’s trying to protect us. We don’t have the heart to tell him that his mother and I actually love Eminem. In fact, we don’t think his vulgar lyrics go far enough. We also know that Shane hides his pot use from us. Little does he know that we steal his weed stash all the time. In fact, that’s why we’re here right now. No one ever suspects the Slim Shady-loving parents.”
Experts sensed a pattern among this generation.
“We are seeing more and more Millennials instinctively hide things from their parents in their adulthood as if they were still teenagers,” said pop culture analyst Michelle Greenway. “Drugs, alcohol, saying the word ‘damn,’ Mortal Kombat, 2 Girls 1 Cup, and 2000s hip hop. Millennials are constantly afraid of imaginary repercussions. It’s not their fault though. Like everything, we can blame this on Boomer parenting. They pummeled their children with excess guilt and they kept that going into adulthood. Eminem is only the tip of the Millennial iceberg.”
At press time, McThomason was also seen hiding his Marilyn Manson CDs from his parents.