BOSTON – Notable rock band Aerosmith issued an apology for previously operating under the mistaken assumption that the world wanted to hear their music for the past five decades, aggrieved sources report.
“On behalf of both myself and other members of Aerosmith, I wholly apologize for subjecting the world to our tunes for the past 54 years,” frontman Steven Tyler read from a prepared statement while addressing reporters outside of his mansion. “We started this band thinking that people would be receptive to its musical output, and we were wrong in doing so. It’s absolutely gutting to know that our music has consistently been a source of aggravation and disgust among those we had intended on benefitting, and it is our sincerest hope that people can find it in their hearts to forgive us.”
“Classical Rock” fan Anushka Bhatt reacted to the band’s contrition with tepid consideration.
“While I definitely appreciate the apology, I’m not sure I’m ready to accept it,” Bhatt reported. “I mean, how many times have I had to reflexively change the station on my way to work when I hear the beginning of the awful song from that asteroid movie? Or when I would turn on ‘American Idol’ and see Steven Tyler’s stupid fucking face? I’m not sure an apology makes up for that. Ugh, just thinking about Aerosmith is pissing me off now. On second thought, I’ve made up my mind. It was insufficient and I don’t accept it.”
Pop culture expert Kerry Blastford weighed in on the situation.
“While people may or may not react well to this apology, I for one laud Aerosmith for having the gumption to issue it in the first place,” Blastford offered. “While it was certainly warranted, how many other bands can we think of that haven’t taken the hint? I’ve been putting up with songs by The Who for my entire life and I haven’t heard a peep from Roger Daltrey, and Bret Michaels has been perfectly content subjecting all of us to his crooning since the eighties. Hopefully this starts a chain reaction from other musicians. I know we’ll never get the apology from Kid Rock that we all so profoundly deserve, but we can find some solace that this may have some sort of effect.”
At press time, Steven Tyler refused to apologize for his solo country album, since it was “universally loved by everyone.”