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Acoustic Version of Song Really Bringing Out Stupidity of Lyrics

PHILADELPHIA — Fans of indie-rock band To Jupiter were disappointed and disillusioned last night when a stripped-down, acoustic version of one of their songs only highlighted the utter stupidity of the lyrics, a source confirmed.

“The song is called ‘Untitled,’ and with all the reverb on the vocals, I could never make out the lyrics… but without the effects on the acoustic track, I heard the painful truth for the first time ever,” said former fan Jim Landers. “Those words were like when you’re a kid, and you think Elton John is singing, ‘Hold me closer, Tony Danza,’ and then learn it’s ‘Tiny Dancer’… but, like, in reverse.”

The band frequently employs several vocal effects and never publishes their lyrics, leaving many fans to interpret their own meanings.

“I guess I sort of came up with my own lyrics based on what I thought he was saying, and actually used those words to help me get out of a really toxic relationship,” said fellow former fan Sara Morales. “But knowing now that when I thought he was singing ‘moving on,’ he was actually singing ‘slinging dong,’ I’m questioning everything. Maybe my ex-boyfriend wasn’t that much of an asshole. Who knows?”

Morales admitted she, like many fans, was initially in denial regarding the painfully stupid lyrics of her formerly favorite song.

“I tried so badly to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it’s a joke, you know? Or they were satirizing bad lyrics or something. But, no — it’s definitely sincere,” a dejected Morales added. “Frankly, I don’t see how anyone could write a pun like, ‘exercise my demons doing 666 squats’ unless they mean it.”

Despite the fans’ reactions, songwriter and To Jupiter frontman Dax Dillinger defended his artistic choices.

“Obviously, these philistines don’t understand true art,” Dillinger said. “The song is a metaphor for the Iraq War… and how much I love slinging my dong around. I mean, clearly.”

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