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89-Year-Old Punk Coming To Slow, Painful Realization That It Was Indeed Just a Phase

LAWRENCE, Kan. — Elderly punk “lifer” Alicia Rosenblatt came to the difficult conclusion yesterday that her decades of punk spirit and ethos were indeed a passing phase, just as her mother predicted over 70 years ago, saddened family and friends reported.

“X’s ‘Nausea’ is Aunt Alicia’s favorite song of all time, so we were lighting the candles on her safety pin-themed cake when she emerged from the bathroom looking really pale,” recalled niece Jenna Hastings at Rosenblatt’s 89th birthday party, intended to celebrate her life and dedication to “sticking it to the man.” “Like, exceedingly pale. Granted, she’s always pale and rarely sees the sun thanks to one of her million medications, but she was borderline translucent. I thought she was dying… and in a way, she is.”

Witnesses reported that, upon emerging from the bathroom, Rosenblatt gave a sorrowful soliloquy, admitting she no longer identified with her former punk ideals and aesthetic.

“As I was sitting on the toilet, I saw a Chico’s catalog in a basket near the hand towels,” Rosenblatt admitted, averting her eyes. “In that moment, I just realized that all the leather and studs and tattoos are kind of silly, and were just a passing, life-long fad. For my short, withering remainder, I’d like to explore Yankee Candles, Fleetwood Mac, Lifetime movies, and painting portraits of my WASP, normie mother while sipping white wine.”

“It’s gonna be a real bitch growing his green hair out, though,” she added.

Saddened by the news, legends of the punk community tried to make sense of Rosenblatt’s loss of faith.

“Alicia was at some of the early Stooges’ gigs, and we usually caught up when tour took me through the midwest,” recalled Stooges singer and punk icon Iggy Pop. “But, look… I get it. Sometimes when I’m on the 18th hole at Pebble Beach, I daydream about what it would be like to give up punk and live a simpler, more traditional, boring life. Gotta grow up sometime, you know?”

At press time, Rosenblatt was asking a tattoo artist to modify her “ACAB” tattoo to read, “Always Count All Blessings.”

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