There is nothing worse than bumping into an acquaintance and completely forgetting their name. And yes, before you even say anything, it actually is worse than climate change, the AI takeover, famine, and so much more. Death is actually quite easy, trying to remember a name is hard. It doesn’t help that you are also face-blind. When you watch the old “Superman” movies you would often loudly ask “Why did they cast two actors to play ‘Superman?’” and when your friend would say “That’s the same guy, he just took his glasses off” you would laugh it off and pretend to be joking, but you weren’t. Here are 15 sure-fire ways to convince someone you didn’t forget their name.
15. Call Them By a Cool and Extremely Specific Nickname
When asked what it means, get mad at them for not remembering the hilarious past occasion it’s referencing. Blame their memory lapse on their old habits of doing whip-its and taking shots of Fireball, which they also seem to have forgotten due to all the abuse they’ve put their brain through. What a shame. You wish they could remember how they earned the nickname “Sticky Jerry” or “Piss Shark” or “Li’l Dukakis” because it was a really fun story but you kinda had to be there.
14 . Keep “Accidentally” Calling Them the Name of a Deceased Family Member They Resemble
Before long it will catch on and everyone will be calling them Uncle Bertram or Aunt Gertie. As a bonus, feel free to use them as a conduit to achieve emotional closure.
13. Become Outraged to the Point Where Names are Off the Table
This red herring always works in a pinch. Have an outlandish reaction to something innocuous they say. The world is on the verge of implosion due to climate change and they had the audacity to fly to Cabo three months ago for a wedding? Unacceptable and disgraceful! Make a scene!
12. Turn the Faux Pas Around
Accuse them of forgetting your name, even if they greet you by (correct) name. Double and triple down that they do not know your name even if they wrest your ID card out of your hands. Accuse them of planting a fake ID card. When they deny doing that, see technique #15.
11. Channel the Joker
Laugh hysterically every time they insinuate you’ve forgotten their name because of course you haven’t and that’s a very comical accusation. Tell them they should do stand-up and put this anecdote in their little skit. Then pretend you are calling up Jimmy Fallon to book the new hottest comedy act for a tight five.
10. Practice Advanced Espionage
Hide until their drink order has been called. Note: Bring a ficus in case there are no good
hiding spots. We should have mentioned earlier you are going to need to set aside cash for a good ficus.
9. Resort to an Ice Breaker
Remember the picnic game where everyone brings a food product that starts with the same letter as their name? Do that but for every letter of everybody’s name. Involve everyone in the vicinity so it’s not weird and your target is none the wiser. May require pen and paper if you spent a lot of time doing whip-its and shots of Fireball in the past.
8. Give an Exceptionally Reasonable and Realistic Excuse
Tell them you’d say their name but since the last time you saw them you’ve undergone sleeper agent training and you aren’t sure what your trigger is except that it’s a first name befitting someone who matches their description and you don’t want to risk doing any murders today because you have to pick up your dog from daycare in a couple hours.
7. Shame Them Into Submission
Turn to someone nearby, anyone at all, even if there’s no reason to, to introduce yourself. If no one is around, pick an object and commit to not wanting to be rude to it. Then look at them expectantly. The longer it takes them to introduce themselves to the third party, the more you can scoff and act surprised at how rude they’re being. Lots of gesticulation and eye rolling really sell this one.
6. Become the Joker Again (Because it Worked so Well the First Time)
Call them the wrong name “as a joke” over and over again. When they don’t laugh, sigh deeply. Accuse them of not understanding your art and having become a sellout since college/working at Peet’s together/that blind date your mutuals sent you on last week.
5. Tell Them You’ve Joined a Cult Where Everyone has the Same Name and They Would Make an Amazing Addition to the Compound
Insist that your great leader has relieved them of the burden of individuality and they are invited into the warm embrace of homogeneity. See “Fargo” or “Bubble Boy” for inspiration. By the way, don’t call it a cult or that will ruin the illusion. (Alternatively: preach your newly adopted philosophy that eschews names altogether as they are merely markers of individuality to which we attach power and hierarchy, and are therefore antithetical to a peaceful and equitable coexistence, and that’s why everyone is just “Buddy” now, unless of course they want to remain a filthy capitalist pig.)
4. Show Up Prepared
Carry every yearbook from every year of school with you everywhere you go. If you run into anyone you’ve ever gone to school with, you can take a stroll down memory lane and slyly take a detour into remembering-what-the-fuck-your-name-is meadows.
3. Exercise Modern Culture
Establish a “yas, queen” or “go off, king” early on in the conversation. Stick to this as your only second-person reference. Do not relent, even if they have just told you they attended a double funeral for their murdered parents last week. Say it louder every time.
2. Pre-empt the Interaction with Absolution
The first words out of your mouth are “I’ve thought about it every day for all these years and I’ve decided that I forgive you for what you did.” Then walk away.
1. Offer Them Drugs
Who cares if you forgot their name when there are drugs to be done?