Action movies:
I often wish that I were a normal person who could just enjoy an action movie. I’ve seen the way most of you react to them, and it seems like a good time. Unfortunately with the gift/curse of my rugged good looks, physical capability, and tactical mind, it’s impossible. The whole time I’m just plagued by the knowledge that I could do a better job at stopping the terrorists or aliens or whatever than the person on the screen.
It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about playing the role or being the actual guy in the world of the movie. Between my training in every martial arts school, I’ve been banned from out of jealousy, every Los Angeles acting class I’ve been banned from out of jealousy, and every branch of the military I’ve been dishonorably discharged from out of jealousy, I can do it all, baby.
I’ve crunched the numbers, flushed those pills my court-appointed shrink told me to take, and ranked the top 50 action movies of the ‘80s and ‘90s by how much better I would be in them than the chump you see on the screen.
50. Above The Law
As a human being, Steven Seagal is something of a hero of mine, but as an actor, I know I can do better.
49. Invasion USA
I’m all for Russia invading the U.S., but things were different in 1985 I guess. Not only would I have made a better (okay hang on I gotta look it up on IMDb) “Matt Hunter” than Chuck Norris, I would have given the effects department invaluable suggestions for improvement. They actually blow up huge sections of a town in this movie that was scheduled for demolition. Why not use buildings that still have people in them?!
48. Fallen
I actually did star in this movie. I was the invisible entity.
47. Time Cop
I was almost a cop once, and I’m a time traveler if you consider the nickel I did for aggravated assault to be time travel, which I do. Jean-Claude Van “Dancer” shows up a few times on this list, and I’m not impressed. Sure, doing splits is hard, but I don’t see how they help you stop Ron Silver from changing history. If anything, stopping to do them distracts from the task at hand.
46. Commando
Sorry Hollywood, but real guys who blow shit up and maul down anyone in their way don’t look like Arnold, they look like me.
45. Heat
When someone has a great ass it’s the first thing I tell them, and I tell them loud and proud. Just read one of the many, many HR reports that mention me and you’ll see I have what it takes to take Pacino’s role in “Heat.”
44. Rambo
A guy with a shady military history and mental problems fighting cops in a small town? I should sue them for not putting me in this.
43. Point Break
I’m pretty much exactly like Bodhi in this movie except for the surfing, sky diving, charisma, and eastern philosophy. I robbed a bank is what I’m saying.
42. Braveheart
If you’re looking for someone to paint their face and do something crazy, I’m your guy. Just don’t ask where I was on January 6th!
41. Batman
Much like Bruce Wayne, I tragically lost my parents at a young age, but I didn’t inherit billions of dollars for it. I just got sent to some weird hospital where they kept me until I could convince them I wouldn’t play with matches anymore. We all wear masks.
40. License To Kill
I really thought I had a shot at playing Bond. He’s already been played by a psychopath who never acted in a movie before, George Lazenby, and he did a surprisingly good job. I guess it’s because I’m an American. Man, when will racism stop ruining my life?
39. Escape From New York
Shouldn’t this role have gone to someone who has actually escaped from New York before? Sure it was to dodge child support payments not rescue the president, but I’ve got the pedigree!
38. Mad Max
As an alpha smart enough to see society for the illusory house of cards it really is, I pretty much already am Mad Max. I’m a survivor who plays by his own rules. My court-appointed therapist calls it antisocial personality disorder, but when the big one drops he’ll be dead in the first wave.
37. The Running Man
A role that combines my two greatest passions — being a super macho badass, and reality television. I’ve auditioned for Survivor 20 times and never gotten on because I would so clearly win that the show would be boring.
36. Rocky
This movie is pretty much my life story anyway, with a few exceptions. I never competed for the heavyweight title, I’ve never boxed before, I don’t have a best friend and I’ve never been in love. I did get hired as a leg breaker for a loan shark, and unlike the “Italian Stallion,” I never quit.
35. Lethal Weapon
I would say my biggest leg up over Martin Riggs is that I don’t need the death of a loved one to turn me into a loose cannon. I would say my biggest leg up over Mel Gibson is my politics. I’m more conservative.
34. Action Jackson
I know that movies of this era lacked representation for African Americans, especially in leading roles, but I would argue there was an even greater lack of representation for me specifically. That may be the musing of a manic narcissist, but it’s also a fact. Carl Weathers was in “Rocky” and “Predator,” I don’t see why this couldn’t have been my shot.
33. Tango and Cash
You’re wondering if I’m talking about replacing Tango or Cash. Trick question, I could play both. I argue with myself in the mirror every morning, so the chemistry is there.
32. Bloodsport
Another Van “Dancer” flick, this one bogged down by too much story. My bloodsport will just be 90 minutes of me kicking the crap out of everyone I went to high school with and my dad.
31. Top Gun
Fun fact: I actually had a brother everyone called Goose and when he died it totally was my fault and I did not let it slow my roll for one second.